In recent months, Arklow has experienced a wave of mass anorexia nervosa, not seen since Famine times, as a proliferation of insufferable former fat bastards, turned skinny weight loss journey gurus, now espouse their endless pound shop fortune cookie pearls of wisdom on how they achieved such instant Adonis-esque physiques. But cynics suspect there may me skullduggery afoot as the timing of this avalanche of arseholes is more than a coincidence with the release of weight loss wonder drug, Ozempic.®
Very sudden weight loss in Arklow is generally reserved for the resident drug addict and cancer victims of the town, but champion social media seeker and all around dickhead, John O Gravy, is having none of these detractors though as I caught up with him inhaling two McDonalds Double Quarter Pounder Meals.
“Ah, sure in a small town in Ireland, you will always get the begrudgers,” O’ Gravy stated defiantly as his bullfrog-like input port seeped generic sachet mayonnaise and ketchup.
“If these keyboard warriors spent less time sniping paragons of self-discipline and determination like myself online, and more time practising clean living and treating their body like a temple like me, then they too would have gone from fat to fit overnight,” stated the prominent anti-vaxxer who now jabs himself with relatively unknown Ozempic® instead.
“I would never dream of putting that Scamdemic poison into my system, even when it did lead to me becoming a super-spreader, infecting and killing all my most vulnerable nearest and dearest. Pfizer and Moderna made those vaccines too fast and didn’t test them properly.
In contrast, I’m willing to throw all my chins to the wind regarding another jab (even with mounting early evidence of acute pancreatitis in hundreds of Ozempic® users https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4ged0r1n3wo) once I can have the six pack abs on Insta, get them precious likes and look great in Benidorm this Summer. Trust the process, I say, and you will be rewarded. Never skip leg day, or, in my case, chicken leg day! GAINZ BOI!!!GAAAAAAIIINNNNZZZZZ!!!
No secrets. No shortcuts. Just mindset.™
Besides, my Ozempic® use is purely medicinal for a diabetic condition that, after 45 years, I only discovered I had yesterday. As a grotesquely obese slug who had failed miserably for decades to lose a single pound, whilst feeding my other addiction, that sweet Serotonin-laced validation kick from my countless fake online friends’ hollow affirmations.
I’d honestly never heard of the drug before, Ozemflick? Ozempock? But now, thanks to my medical affliction, I can turn a negative into a brain rot positive and lord it over all the other apathetic fat cunts who aren’t fortunate enough to have access to the drug or are foolishly trying to get fit the honest, healthy and ultimately more beneficial way.
I’ve even decided to take things to the next level with my own self-help channel, entitled “Coach Chocolate/Coach Choc.” Coaching programmes begin at €200 an hour for the Basic Bullshit® package, and increase all the way to €600 an hour for the Gold Standard Horseshit Spoofer® package. Here, I will mentor losers on their journey to becoming a high-value, better person as I skull stout with the webcam turned off.
“Want the usual extra double fries with that, Jack?” shouted the exhasuted McDonald’s cashier.
“Load ’em up, Roisin, this is the new me!” proclaimed a bouyant Coach Choc.
Unfortunately, shortly after this interview was conducted, O’ Gravy PAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEDDDDD AWWWWAAAAAAAYYYY from a fatal combination of congestive heart failure and Ozempic® induced pancreatic cancer. Not one of his 4789 Fakebook friends were present at his funeral.
