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“Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.” Animal Farm, George Orwell We are led by the least among us – the least intelligent, the least noble, the least visionary. We are led by the least among us and we do not fight back against the dehumanizing values that are handed down as control […]

“No society can surely be flourishing and happy, of which the far greater part of the members are poor and miserable.” Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith Rapturous scenes of delight and ecstasy not seen since the 1979 visit of John Paul II were expressed across Ireland today as citizens witnessed the explosion of an emergency-chartered

“The young are impressionable and should be shielded from harmful stories.” Republic II, Socrates “Humans are chimpanzees reciting Shakespeare– dunces with the technology of geniuses[…]Many people are flat-Earthers. They imagine a chasm between humans and other animals that Darwin showed doesn’t exist.” The Ape that Understood the Universe: How the Mind and Culture Evolve, Steve

You’ve heard of the masturbatory fest that is the Arklow Billy Big Bollocks Big Business Awards, now experience the newly launched Arklow Dole Awards, with special guest star—and proving it’s never too late to come out of the Jobseekers Allowance closet—Best Newcomer Award winner, Dirk Coco. Mattress Rapist Dick, Trashford Skodas, and a whole menagerie

I think that it’s fairly likely that it will not take too long of a time for the entire surface of the Earth to become covered with data centres and power stations.” Ilya Sutskever, OpenAI Co-founder and former Chief Scientist The Arklow Crimes have submitted their Wicklow County Development Plan and our very own futurist

“Long ago, since we stopped selling our votes, the people have cast off their cares. For once they bestowed military command, high office, legions—everything; now they restrain themselves and anxiously wish only for two things: bread and circuses.” Juvenal With pubs shutting their doors more often than for a Traveller’s funeral and the sacred cows

“The bar was a place where you could drink yourself down to the wormy grave, always with the comforting thought that somewhere, somehow, some other poor bastard was worse off than you.” Factotum, Charles Bukowski It was truly a sliding doors moment in the Arklow pub milieu as local institution, Dolly Malone, finally hung up

Coming on the heels of the recent news that the Avoca River is actually still full of shite, piss and septic jam rags, typically fractious Fine in Failure and independent councillors and TDs reached across the aisle in a bipartisan effort to restore faith in the newly half-operational love child of state ineptitude, multi-million euro

“Life is so terrible, it would have been better not to have been born. Who is so lucky? Not one in a hundred thousand!” Jewish saying “Increasing one’s value by having children might be like increasing one’s value by taking hostages.” Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence, David Benatar Collective

In recent months, Arklow has experienced a wave of mass anorexia nervosa, not seen since Famine times, as a proliferation of insufferable former fat bastards, turned skinny weight loss journey gurus, now espouse their endless pound shop fortune cookie pearls of wisdom on how they achieved such instant Adonis-esque physiques. But cynics suspect there may

All Garda armed support units and squad car reinforcements will lead to Arklow this week for the return of the seaside town’s Seablades Festival, which will feature a range of maiming and ultraviolence for all the family, including the ever-popular Swinging Blades competition and blood-letting display. Organised by a dedicated group of community-based drug dealers,

With the sudden ‘erasure’ of the Rainbum Crossing(four years after initial installation and all the damage seemingly occurring right on the eve of Pride Month), doctor’s surgeries in Arklow have reported a worryingly steep decline in patients presenting LGBTQAI bumming and fisting injuries. With a crippling cost of living and homelessness crisis, entire generations of

A sea of receding hairlines, paunch bellies, tracker mortgages, credit card overdrafts and costly divorces/breakups/at least one bad fart away from a separation greeted the Old Ship last Saturday night as the prodigal sons of CBS Arklow were welcomed back to the town’s warm and welcoming bosom. DJ McGrath spun hits from Big Tom and

Unsuspecting locals were treated to a trip back to the medieval ages last Wednesday morning, as the town’s recently refurbished €3,174,664 parade ground welcomed Bray’s finest signatories and aristocracy to Arklow courthouse for ‘re-education.’ Flanked by the Garda armed support unit and local and regional media outlets, there was a palpable carnival atmosphere as Wicklow

“Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer ‘I wouldn’t blame myself for something I didn’t know was going on.’ The Best Catholics in the World, Derek Scally With the recent news of yet another homegrown nonce from the citadel of Arkla being outed, local ‘concerned citizens’ militia, Arklow

‘The Bridgewater’, now laying mainly idle, stands only as a sarcophagus to Celtic Tiger hubris with its most anaemic quality being its fossilised inhabitants With one foot in the grave, they stubbornly refuse the other one’s arrival in Hedes without one last admonishment for the minimum wage barista over the cleaning bleach stinging their cavernous,

The longest-running slappers union in the town, the Slappers Legion of Arklow Gee (SLAG), voiced concerns that it would suffer age discrimination by management of the latest nightclub offering due to open this bank holiday weekend. The chairwoman of SLAG Chantelle O Ridely fears the potential emergence of an apartheid state involving two tribes of

The Blueshirts, as Fine Gael were known, in reference to the uniforms worn by an army association linked to them, were the party of the self-regarding cohort in Irish society who believed in their inalienable right to govern, the party of big farmers, the merchant class, fat-cat barristers and others in the professional middle class.

The man who invests his savings in a concern that goes bankrupt is therefore injuring others as well as himself. If he spent his money, say, in giving parties for his friends, they (we may hope) would get pleasure, and so would all those upon whom he spent money, such as the butcher, the baker,

“I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.” A Modest Proposal: For preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and

With authorities seizing a large quantity of cocaine in the region this week (estimated street value 24 trillion), publicans have reported an immediate drop in the size of cubicle toilet queues. Though many idiots have suggested these congregations at 2am on a Sunday morning could be attributed to nothing more than a dodgy pint of

Local anti-rape activist John Crozier has this week made a startling reversal of his traditionally entrenched ideological position on rape. The self-confessed white knight had, up until now, been quite vocal online about his total abhorrence regarding all types of sexual assault, with passions coming to a head (pun intended) during a recent social media

Not even two months have passed since the white smoke emerged from Arklow Municipal District offices signifying that a fresh troop of Homo sapiens have been elected to the Grand Council of Apes. The cynical youth-who are clearly illiterate about such political matters-could be forgiven for thinking that absolutely fuck all will change. The bloodsucking

“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma Goldman “If the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it. Politicians, counsellors, ordinary voters! – Yes, Prime Minister It’s auction politics season again and the Fine in Failure coalition’s well-oiled election doom machine is gyrating and flexing

Patrons of TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ were left reeling with the news this week that the locally renowned eatery suffered a dawn raid at the hands of the Criminal Assets Bureau. Rumours have always persisted about the apparent overnight success of the signature TURNIP TAPAS™ establishment, with scepticism reaching a crescendo upon business owner Timmy McShifty

“No tempest or conflagration, however great, is harder to quell than mob carried away by the novelty of power.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero A pall of mistrust and suspicion – reminiscent of John Carpenter’s The Thing – was palpable around Arklow metropolis this week as tempers ran high between various pro and anti-immigration groups regarding the future

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” – Malcolm X Local “concerned residents” were rejoicing this week at the news that the bastion of white purity that is Wetherspoons will accompany the new Emoclew Road mosque site.

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche With the norovirus tearing the absolute ringpiece out of the citizens of Arklow, local councillors have pleaded with sufferers of the bacterial infection