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If you tolerate these then your children will be next:Why parents should vote FF and FG out

The Blueshirts, as Fine Gael were known, in reference to the uniforms worn by an army association linked to them, were the party of the self-regarding cohort in Irish society who believed in their inalienable right to govern, the party of big farmers, the merchant class, fat-cat barristers and others in the professional middle class. […]

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Cllr Fitzbollocks celebrates recent local election victory

Not even two months have passed since the white smoke emerged from Arklow Municipal District offices signifying that a fresh troop of Homo sapiens have been elected to the Grand Council of Apes. The cynical youth-who are clearly illiterate about such political matters-could be forgiven for thinking that absolutely fuck all will change. The bloodsucking

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English landlord 2.0 Fitzbollocks relishing election challenge

“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma Goldman “If the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it. Politicians, counsellors, ordinary voters! – Yes, Prime Minister It’s auction politics season again and the Fine in Failure coalition’s well-oiled election doom machine is gyrating and flexing

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Town devastated as TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ shut in CAB raid

Patrons of TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ were left reeling with the news this week that the locally renowned eatery suffered a dawn raid at the hands of the Criminal Assets Bureau. Rumours have always persisted about the apparent overnight success of the signature TURNIP TAPAS™ establishment, with scepticism reaching a crescendo upon business owner Timmy McShifty

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Battle for the ‘Soul of Arklow’ reaches tipping point

“No tempest or conflagration, however great, is harder to quell than mob carried away by the novelty of power.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero A pall of mistrust and suspicion – reminiscent of John Carpenter’s The Thing – was palpable around Arklow metropolis this week as tempers ran high between various pro and anti-immigration groups regarding the future

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Compromise with “concerned locals” reached as Wetherspoons Pub to be installed at refugee centre

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” – Malcolm X Local “concerned residents” were rejoicing this week at the news that the bastion of white purity that is Wetherspoons will accompany the new Emoclew Road mosque site.

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“We are shitting way beyond our means!” Council declares a state of emergency as norovirus takes hold

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche With the norovirus tearing the absolute ringpiece out of the citizens of Arklow, local councillors have pleaded with sufferers of the bacterial infection

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Wicklow Cunty Council announce “Taste of Ukraine” experience

“Never let a good crisis go to waste.” – Winston Churchill Local representatives, faceless and entirely unaccountable Wicklow Cunty Council executives, project managers/consultants/engineers/subcontractors this week proudly unveiled the “Taste of Ukraine” experience to the refugees of the war-torn nation living here. The concept behind the project is to repackage the countless ramshackle properties Arklow has

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Fr Brendan Smyth ‘Sin Absolution’ campaign reaches milestone

“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” -Yuval Noah Harari This week, Father File was proud to announce that the Fr. Brendan Smyth Sin Absolution campaign reached a 15,000 Euro milestone, with some outlets selling out of so-called Smythokens™ in mere seconds.

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Plans approved for Emoclew Road Mosque

“The Irish were invading our towns with their ‘uncleanly and negligent habits’. They brought with them ‘filth, neglect, confusion, discomfort and insalubrity.” – Royal Commission 1836 “Ireland is pouring into the cities and even into the villages,’ cried a Times leader in 1847, a fetid mass of famine, nakedness, dirt and fever.”  “The lower order

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ChatGPT generated “A Kitten’s Battle” already in Oscar contention

I am excited to announce that “A ChatGPT Guide to Becoming an Award-Winning Film Director” is coming soon. The article has been delayed until this point as the staff writer involved has died under mysterious circumstances. To whet your appetites until then, here is the incredible short script I was able to create with the

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International crime syndicate wanted for ‘elder fraud’ scam

“The Catholic Church owns €3.743bn of land and property in the State.” -Emma Gilleece, Village Magazine Infamous child-trafficking, paedophilic, racketeering and tax-evading cult, the Catholic Church, are being investigated by An Garda Síochána, The Criminal Assets Bureau, Europol and Interpol regarding a cunning scam to defraud the elderly and feeble-minded of their pensions and life savings.

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Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade 2023: All you wish you didn’t know

A booze-fuelled occasion for locals and visitors alike, the Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade draws absolutely nobody from all over the country with its hostile and violent atmosphere. A time of year when Plastic Paddies around the globe celebrate an entirely Yankee artifice (the first recorded parade observed in Florida, U.S. 1601) as they sup

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Town in mourning following royal death

The town of Arklow was left reeling yesterday with the news that its much loved, and longest serving, junkie, HM King Scumbag II, had passed away as peacefully as a bout of opioid-induced constipation. The Royal syringe flew half mast over Fuckingham Palace as news of the death filtered to the king’s inconsolable victims. Undecipherable

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Golf club bore launches Gofundme for son’s illness

Multiple Arklow Crimes person of the year, and resident lickspittle to the white-collars of Bodily Fluids Glen golf club, Narcissus Boil, this week descended from his ivory tower to launch a Gofundme campaign for his son’s terminal condition, Humility Syndrome. Insufferable braggart, Boil, informs me that he is undoubtedly the greatest thing to emerge from Arklow since

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Pig Race replaced with Sausage Race

Eleventh-hour negotiations between demonstrators and the council concluded late last Monday night on how the much-beloved Pig Race could be rescued from the dustbin of history. Fianna Fail stooge Billy Fitzbollicks announced, whilst munching heartedly on a rasher butty, that the pig Race would now morph into the Sausage Race. “Well, I’ve already survived four

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“Menopausal Menace” relishing destroying minimum wage staff again

Fresh from defeating the marauding Ukranian hordes at the Battle of LCFSC (Leisure Centre Financial Services Centre), local religious extremist Jude Kavanagh has now refocused her efforts on what she excels at by terrorising other vulnerable social groups in town. Minimum wage staff everywhere have returned to cold sweat-induced sleepless nights at the thought of

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