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A sea of receding hairlines, paunch bellies, tracker mortgages, credit card overdrafts and costly divorces/breakups/at least one bad fart away from a separation greeted the Old Ship last Saturday night as the prodigal sons of CBS Arklow were welcomed back to the town’s warm and welcoming bosom. DJ McGrath spun hits from Big Tom and […]

Unsuspecting locals were treated to a trip back to the medieval ages last Wednesday morning, as the town’s recently refurbished €3,174,664 parade ground welcomed Bray’s finest signatories and aristocracy to Arklow courthouse for ‘re-education.’ Flanked by the Garda armed support unit and local and regional media outlets, there was a palpable carnival atmosphere as Wicklow

“Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer ‘I wouldn’t blame myself for something I didn’t know was going on.’ The Best Catholics in the World, Derek Scally With the recent news of yet another homegrown nonce from the citadel of Arkla being outed, local ‘concerned citizens’ militia, Arklow

‘The Bridgewater’, now laying mainly idle, stands only as a sarcophagus to Celtic Tiger hubris with its most anaemic quality being its fossilised inhabitants With one foot in the grave, they stubbornly refuse the other one’s arrival in Hedes without one last admonishment for the minimum wage barista over the cleaning bleach stinging their cavernous,

The longest-running slappers union in the town, the Slappers Legion of Arklow Gee (SLAG), voiced concerns that it would suffer age discrimination by management of the latest nightclub offering due to open this bank holiday weekend. The chairwoman of SLAG Chantelle O Ridely fears the potential emergence of an apartheid state involving two tribes of

The Blueshirts, as Fine Gael were known, in reference to the uniforms worn by an army association linked to them, were the party of the self-regarding cohort in Irish society who believed in their inalienable right to govern, the party of big farmers, the merchant class, fat-cat barristers and others in the professional middle class.

The man who invests his savings in a concern that goes bankrupt is therefore injuring others as well as himself. If he spent his money, say, in giving parties for his friends, they (we may hope) would get pleasure, and so would all those upon whom he spent money, such as the butcher, the baker,

“I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.” A Modest Proposal: For preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and

With authorities seizing a large quantity of cocaine in the region this week (estimated street value 24 trillion), publicans have reported an immediate drop in the size of cubicle toilet queues. Though many idiots have suggested these congregations at 2am on a Sunday morning could be attributed to nothing more than a dodgy pint of

Local anti-rape activist John Crozier has this week made a startling reversal of his traditionally entrenched ideological position on rape. The self-confessed white knight had, up until now, been quite vocal online about his total abhorrence regarding all types of sexual assault, with passions coming to a head (pun intended) during a recent social media

Not even two months have passed since the white smoke emerged from Arklow Municipal District offices signifying that a fresh troop of Homo sapiens have been elected to the Grand Council of Apes. The cynical youth-who are clearly illiterate about such political matters-could be forgiven for thinking that absolutely fuck all will change. The bloodsucking

“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma Goldman “If the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it. Politicians, counsellors, ordinary voters! – Yes, Prime Minister It’s auction politics season again and the Fine in Failure coalition’s well-oiled election doom machine is gyrating and flexing

Patrons of TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ were left reeling with the news this week that the locally renowned eatery suffered a dawn raid at the hands of the Criminal Assets Bureau. Rumours have always persisted about the apparent overnight success of the signature TURNIP TAPAS™ establishment, with scepticism reaching a crescendo upon business owner Timmy McShifty

“No tempest or conflagration, however great, is harder to quell than mob carried away by the novelty of power.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero A pall of mistrust and suspicion – reminiscent of John Carpenter’s The Thing – was palpable around Arklow metropolis this week as tempers ran high between various pro and anti-immigration groups regarding the future

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” – Malcolm X Local “concerned residents” were rejoicing this week at the news that the bastion of white purity that is Wetherspoons will accompany the new Emoclew Road mosque site.

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche With the norovirus tearing the absolute ringpiece out of the citizens of Arklow, local councillors have pleaded with sufferers of the bacterial infection

“Never let a good crisis go to waste.” – Winston Churchill Local representatives, faceless and entirely unaccountable Wicklow Cunty Council executives, project managers/consultants/engineers/subcontractors this week proudly unveiled the “Taste of Ukraine” experience to the refugees of the war-torn nation living here. The concept behind the project is to repackage the countless ramshackle properties Arklow has

“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” -Yuval Noah Harari This week, Father File was proud to announce that the Fr. Brendan Smyth Sin Absolution campaign reached a 15,000 Euro milestone, with some outlets selling out of so-called Smythokens™ in mere seconds.

“The Irish were invading our towns with their ‘uncleanly and negligent habits’. They brought with them ‘filth, neglect, confusion, discomfort and insalubrity.” – Royal Commission 1836 “Ireland is pouring into the cities and even into the villages,’ cried a Times leader in 1847, a fetid mass of famine, nakedness, dirt and fever.”  “The lower order

“The fellow members of even the smallest nation will never know most of their fellow members, meet them, or even hear of them, yet in the minds of each lives the image of the communion…Communities are to be distinguished, not by their falsity or genuineness, but in the style in which they are imagined.”-Benedict Anderson

“You can fool all of the people some of the time; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.” – Abraham Lincoln So after another night on the whiskey, poppers and mushrooms, I had shat out yet another steaming pile of shit

I am excited to announce that “A ChatGPT Guide to Becoming an Award-Winning Film Director” is coming soon. The article has been delayed until this point as the staff writer involved has died under mysterious circumstances. To whet your appetites until then, here is the incredible short script I was able to create with the

“The Catholic Church owns €3.743bn of land and property in the State.” -Emma Gilleece, Village Magazine Infamous child-trafficking, paedophilic, racketeering and tax-evading cult, the Catholic Church, are being investigated by An Garda Síochána, The Criminal Assets Bureau, Europol and Interpol regarding a cunning scam to defraud the elderly and feeble-minded of their pensions and life savings.

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” -Some Arsehole In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or doxxing in Internet slang, a male tutor, in his late 30’s, in Inch was found dead with a pink dildo shoved up his arse. Whilst this is nothing unusual in the area, the uniqueness of this incident is

I had dropped more or less by chance into the only community of any size in Western Europe where political consciousness and disbelief in capitalism were more normal than their opposites. Homage to Catalonia, George Orwell A booze-fuelled occasion for locals and visitors alike, the Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade draws absolutely nobody from all

”Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city.” – Oscar Wilde It’s that time of year again when wannabe toffs and aspirational bourgeoises crawl out from under their black rocks to profess their undying love for Private school United, more commonly known as the Irish rugby team.

An angry pitchfork mob assembled at the newly refurbished parade grounds last Tuesday, as enraged locals protested the housing of an unvetted single adult male in the adjacent church grounds . Although the resident is not believed to be of fighting age, he is still considered a threat to the wider public, with children considered

Huge swathes of people spend their days performing tasks they secretly believe do not really need to be performed. It’s as if someone were out there making up pointless jobs for the sake of keeping us all working. The moral and spiritual damage that comes from this situation is profound. It is a scar across