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“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” -Yuval Noah Harari This week, Father File was proud to announce that the Fr. Brendan Smyth Sin Absolution campaign reached a 15,000 Euro milestone, with some outlets selling out of so-called Smythokens™ in mere seconds. […]

“The Irish were invading our towns with their ‘uncleanly and negligent habits’. They brought with them ‘filth, neglect, confusion, discomfort and insalubrity.” – Royal Commission 1836 “Ireland is pouring into the cities and even into the villages,’ cried a Times leader in 1847, a fetid mass of famine, nakedness, dirt and fever.”  “The lower order

“The fellow members of even the smallest nation will never know most of their fellow members, meet them, or even hear of them, yet in the minds of each lives the image of the communion…Communities are to be distinguished, not by their falsity or genuineness, but in the style in which they are imagined.”-Benedict Anderson

“You can fool all of the people some of the time; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.” – Abraham Lincoln So after another night on the whiskey, poppers and mushrooms, I had shat out yet another steaming pile of shit

I am excited to announce that “A ChatGPT Guide to Becoming an Award-Winning Film Director” is coming soon. The article has been delayed until this point as the staff writer involved has died under mysterious circumstances. To whet your appetites until then, here is the incredible short script I was able to create with the

“The Catholic Church owns €3.743bn of land and property in the State.” -Emma Gilleece, Village Magazine Infamous child-trafficking, paedophilic, racketeering and tax-evading cult, the Catholic Church, are being investigated by An Garda Síochána, The Criminal Assets Bureau, Europol and Interpol regarding a cunning scam to defraud the elderly and feeble-minded of their pensions and life savings.

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” -Some Arsehole In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or doxxing in Internet slang, a male tutor, in his late 30’s, in Inch was found dead with a pink dildo shoved up his arse. Whilst this is nothing unusual in the area, the uniqueness of this incident is

I had dropped more or less by chance into the only community of any size in Western Europe where political consciousness and disbelief in capitalism were more normal than their opposites. Homage to Catalonia, George Orwell A booze-fuelled occasion for locals and visitors alike, the Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade draws absolutely nobody from all

”Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city.” – Oscar Wilde It’s that time of year again when wannabe toffs and aspirational bourgeoises crawl out from under their black rocks to profess their undying love for Private school United, more commonly known as the Irish rugby team.

An angry pitchfork mob assembled at the newly refurbished parade grounds last Tuesday, as enraged locals protested the housing of an unvetted single adult male in the adjacent church grounds . Although the resident is not believed to be of fighting age, he is still considered a threat to the wider public, with children considered

Huge swathes of people spend their days performing tasks they secretly believe do not really need to be performed. It’s as if someone were out there making up pointless jobs for the sake of keeping us all working. The moral and spiritual damage that comes from this situation is profound. It is a scar across

With the ongoing events in Ukraine resulting in higher energy costs for all, growing numbers of citizens are struggling to commit suicide by gas. No country is feeling the pinch more than Ireland, with a proud tradition of Catholic guilt-self-deletion tracing back centuries. One such victim of this suicide poverty is soulless civil servant, Eoin

The town of Arklow was left reeling yesterday with the news that its much loved, and longest serving, junkie, HM King Scumbag II, had passed away as peacefully as a bout of opioid-induced constipation. The Royal syringe flew half mast over Fuckingham Palace as news of the death filtered to the king’s inconsolable victims. Undecipherable

Multiple Arklow Crimes person of the year, and resident lickspittle to the white-collars of Bodily Fluids Glen golf club, Narcissus Boil, this week descended from his ivory tower to launch a Gofundme campaign for his son’s terminal condition, Humility Syndrome. Insufferable braggart, Boil, informs me that he is undoubtedly the greatest thing to emerge from Arklow since

To the shock and dismay of many, rank outside favourite and failed personal trainer, Shannon O Fé llátio scooped the top award at the annual McDonalds-grade-beef-cattle mart that is The Rose of Tralee. The self-confessed drug and sex enthusiast had recently retired from her career as an OnlyFans performer and thought what better time to throw

Eleventh-hour negotiations between demonstrators and the council concluded late last Monday night on how the much-beloved Pig Race could be rescued from the dustbin of history. Fianna Fail stooge Billy Fitzbollicks announced, whilst munching heartedly on a rasher butty, that the pig Race would now morph into the Sausage Race. “Well, I’ve already survived four

Fresh from defeating the marauding Ukranian hordes at the Battle of LCFSC (Leisure Centre Financial Services Centre), local religious extremist Jude Kavanagh has now refocused her efforts on what she excels at by terrorising other vulnerable social groups in town. Minimum wage staff everywhere have returned to cold sweat-induced sleepless nights at the thought of

Citizens of Arklow were dealt a hammer blow this week with news of the untimely death of notorious pervert, Jimmy O Feely. The sexual deviant was often seen stalking the environs of seaside Arklow at night, sporting the latest in erotic women’s lingerie. It was here he provided the important civic duty of supervising the

Concern has been raised locally regarding the safety of the well-known scallywag, ‘Oranges’ Thompson. The 38-year-old career dole merchant was last seen socialising down the riverbank with a bag of cans last Friday night but hasn’t been seen since. “Well, when Oranges hadn’t shown for his weekly Jobseeker’s Allowance , rent allowance, fuel allowance, dog food allowance,

Newly appointed Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag wasted no time in his new role with an audacious attempt on the life of the much-reviled club captain, Harry Maguire. The 29-year-old defender received a bomb threat to his home, and a subsequent search by police revealed enough semtex to put a sizeable dent in Maguire’s

Shock and outrage were expressed locally this week with the news that a caravan of Ukrainian refugees had decided to uproot their lives in their homeland thousands of kilometres away, with the sole purpose of preventing a racquetball night to occur in Arklow. Up until this point, the citizens of Arklow had ostensibly been “standing

Arklow priest, Father Peter File, is reportedly “shitting himself” about the excavation works currently underway adjacent to his church. The world renowned sex-pest whinged from his pulpit recently that his permission wasn’t sought for such road works, citing disruption to the parking arrangements of his parishioners as a reason for necessary consultation with him. But

Conspicuous charity contributor and regular Mass-goer, Jude Kavanagh, single-handedly saved the world last week when she selflessly donated some disgusting food that she couldn’t get rid of to the suffering of Ukraine. Known as the Mother Teresa of Arklow, to absolutely nobody but herself, the rosary-clutching bigot made sure the whole town knew of her

Following the multiple road fatalities, chemical leaks, overturned trucks and vandalised rainbow crossing’s resulting from the recently installed one-way system, Arklow Municipal District Council have commissioned a survey of the social media whinge bags to determine what exactly went wrong. The collated data from the study found one common factor between all the victims, the

United States Secretary of Defense, Llyod Austin, has made the unprecedented announcement to cut all funding and cease operations of the U.S military with immediate effect. The move comes in light of recent events, whereby only a handful of Irish fishermen single-handedly defeated the might of the Russian Navy, thus, preventing an inevitable nuclear holocaust.

In a week that saw everyone from Jedward to the Taoiseach jumping on the grief bandwagon, it came as no surprise everyone’s favorite feminist institution- De Church- wasted no time in kicking that political football harder than an industrial schoolboy. With the blood of countless Irish women and their infants already on the clergy’s hands,

Anguish and dismay were conveyed by locals this week following the shock announcement of the sudden closure of Sallafield. Known as the Haçienda of the South East, the famous artistic and creative hub closed Tuesday last week leaving a sea of tearful, botox-lipped, single mothers nowhere to seek validation from drooling pubescent lads. “Oranges” Thompson

Following this week’s indignation regarding a fifty-year-old song, Mick Jagger has gone back to the drawing board with “The Rolling Stones” smash hit, Br*n S*gar (for security reasons the title is censored.) The move comes following the band’s decision to pull the song from all of their concert playlists, but Jagger insists he has found

Local ne’er-do-wells, miscreants and reprobates celebrated a bumper payday today as a result of the social welfare office water supply becoming contaminated with LSD, street name: Acid. Upon consuming the tainted drink, staff experienced such a level of euphoria that they cancelled all claim reviews whilst also paying out the well-loved Christmas double dole week

After tentatively emerging from 1500 odd years of authoritarian Christian dogma, the town is seemingly ready for yet another lunatic fringe in the form of the Arklow Charlatan Cash Grab Church. The cult has purchased the St. Mary’s Road Chapel and plan to festoon the premises with hocus-pocus iconography depicting 2000-year-old Chinese whispers. “We want