“Never let a good crisis go to waste.” – Winston Churchill
Local representatives, faceless and entirely unaccountable Wicklow Cunty Council executives, project managers/consultants/engineers/subcontractors this week proudly unveiled the “Taste of Ukraine” experience to the refugees of the war-torn nation living here. The concept behind the project is to repackage the countless ramshackle properties Arklow has to offer to displaced Ukrainians who may feel like they are missing the bloody terror they fled almost two years ago.
“Well, you could say this project has been decades in the making as a rogues gallery of Wicklow Cunty Council bureaucrats have successfully run the town into the ground through chronic mismanagement, head-scratching planning refusals and costly harebrained vanity projects such as the- STILL NOT FULLY COSTED – Arklow Parade Ground works,” exclaimed a cheerful Councillor Billy Fitzbollocks.
“The Cunty Councils’ mission statement has always been to run this fuckin town into the ground by dissuading any and all business from coming to Arklow and I like to think we have achieved this aim. Not ones to rest on our laurels, and always on the lookout to transform a complete shitshow into a polished turd, this rebrand and relaunch of Upper Main St, Arklow as a designated ‘Ukranian Cultural Exchange Zone’ – instead of the Fort Apache, The Bronx it has been known as for decades- will hopefully prove popular.”
“When I fled the war from Odessa, I was anxious about a potential culture shock landing in Arklow but when I witnessed what a shithole the Main St was I immediately felt right at home,” exclaimed a joyous Natasha Vodkakov.
“I want to personally thank Councillor Fitzbollocks, his predecessors, colleagues, ‘Offical Ireland’ cronies, hangers on and all his complicit council members, planners, consultants, and middle management who have collectively somehow managed to cause more destruction and devastation to Arklow than what the combined firepower of Russian, Ukrainian and US military hardware have so far wrought back home! Destruction is a form of creation after all!”
“Proving extremely popular with both locals and Ukrainians last Christmas, we plan to excavate/bomb the Main St yet again to simulate the shelling of major Ukrainian road infrastructure. If there is one thing we are good at it is the military precious in fucking things up whilst offering horrendous value to the public we are supposedly servants of,” chuckled Fitzbollocks.
