“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
With the norovirus tearing the absolute ringpiece out of the citizens of Arklow, local councillors have pleaded with sufferers of the bacterial infection to stop fuckin shitting themselves for at least 24 hours to allow the creaking colonial-era sewage shit-stem to recover. Uisce Éireann engineers have reported removing a giant ‘fatberg’ from the main overflow shitpipe. This massive blockage, consisting of jam rags, baby wipes, fake eyelashes, turkey carcases, two fetuses and at least a trillion litres of calcified fake tan, is usually expected every Christmas as revellers make fukin pigs of themselves but has only been further exacerbated by the current winter vomiting and diarrhoea epidemic.
“Well, we all over indulge over the Christmas period eating and shittin non stop for a week or so and the old shit-stem served us fine in that regard, but now with this new scutter virus going around the town its added extra pressure to an already antiquated poo processing system. The new shite treatment facility won’t be online for another year or so, so we implore people to cut their dumps to a maximum of six a day until then, anything over this isn’t sustainable. Simply put, we are shitting way beyond our means!” pleaded a YR Sauce bottle-top-arsed Cllr. Billy Fitzbollocks.
“I’m generally a two-shit-a-day man meself, depending on what the missus cooks, but once I got the shite bug I was up to 10 to 12 dumps a day, peaking at 14 on the day of our lord’s birthday. It was then I convened an emergency meeting of the Arklow Rapid Scutter Emergency (A.R.S.E) task force to see how the creaking shit-stem was coping. My worst fears were confirmed when I saw that even the Father Murphy statue looked more like that of Frederick Douglass as a result of a nearby gushing shite-ser.
The advice I have received from our scutter consultants is to stay indoors and shit yourself if at all possible and, failing that, into a chamber pot. The result can then be used as a great fertiliser my Green Party colleagues inform me. If you do have to go to the bathroom then shit at off-peak times, which are from 12 pm to 6 am. Together we beat coronavirus, so we can also beat this if we all shit together.”
Another aggravating factor is the choice of bog roll people are using to combat the effects of norovirus, with cheaper products blocking the shit-stem quicker and faster.
“With the current cost of living crisis, people are understandably cutting costs by buying their own brand sandpaper bogroll but the effects of this on the shit-stem are truly catastrophic. I visited the site of the carnage today and I can’t repeat what I witnessed. I plead with Arklonians to at least switch to Kittensoft or Andrex brands which dissolve much more effectively,” stated Fitzbollocks
“Even with these measures in place, and If you can get away with it at all, then try not to wipe after every shite either. I know this can be quite difficult with your family and friends in your ear about hygiene, but try and explain that it’s for the greater good of the town. As my political idol, John Fitzgerald Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your town can do for you, ask what your bum can do for your town.
Vouchers for those who can’t afford premium brand shite paper are available from your local Community Welfare Officer. Remember, practice dumping at a safe speed too, we have already had eight dump-related deaths this year and we are only at the beginning of January. That’s eight too many already considering last year’s fatalities only totalled 16. Arrive alive!”
Dedicated to the memory of T.M’s toilet bowl.
