Self-proclaimed “Bishop Of Banterbury” John Byrne, has expressed his utter despair at the prospect of his yearly Christmas jumper outing being postponed. Well known around the town as a serious “full-time mad bastard”, John was inconsolable upon hearing the government announcement that wet pubs will not be reopening for Christmas, with staff parties also being cancelled.
“I had just been to the dry cleaners to have last year’s vomit and jaeger bomb stains washed out of my beloved jumper. I was fully expecting to be the hero of the staff party with the same outfit for the fifth year running. It always goes down a storm, and I’m certain it single-handedly led to my last promotion.”
The attention-seeking prick didn’t care when I put to him that these novelty jumpers are about as original as a beheading in Syria.
“You do see a lot of shite jumpers knockin about but nothing on my level of craic. It even plays jingle bells and lights up when you press Rudolph’s nose. I’m shocked it still works considering all the absolute bantz and carnage it has seen over the years.
“My jumper on its own is off the scale hilarity, but when I get together with the boyzzzz and their jumpers for the 12 pubs, its pure madness boi. We usually make sure to get about six dozen photos of the night out for Facebook, and tag the shit out of everyone making hysterical poses, all the while making sure never to actually enjoy the moment or the night itself.”
“Once the photos are done we usually all fuck off in our own directions as mission bantz has been well and truly accomplished. If anybody should question what a great night we have had, there is more than enough photographic evidence to prove otherwise.”
I asked the shallow narcissist what his plans for this year are now that the jumper reunion is not possible.
I have already set up a Zoom meeting group so we can still all get to wear the jumpers and have the Christmas banter together. In a way, the restrictions are a blessing because I despise half of the lads and only tolerate them for the group photos. Now I can record every millisecond of the entire event on my computer screen without ever having to meet the gobshites. Ho-ho-ho boi!!!”
