Chain-smoking alcoholic pensioner, Jimmy Kinsella, has made the shock announcement not to take the forthcoming COVID-19 vaccine. In a carefully worded press release delivered from his resident bar stool, the 66-year-old armchair immunologist stated that he firmly believes the vaccine was “rushed and untested”. The reasoning for this is only to profit the “Deep State” that has blighted his very existence his entire life.
“Sure, its dat Bill Gates and George Soros and all dem boyos. The nephew sent me a 20-minute YouTube video explaining the whole thing, I skipped the years dese experts wasted on degrees and PHDs, turns out I didn’t need school or college after all.”
“Besides, dey are all only in cahoots with “Big Farmer” to make millions out of us all. Pearse and Connolly would be spinning in their graves if we signed up for this betrayal of the Republic they fought and died for.”
I put to Jimmy that if the vaccine isn’t efficacious then how have the countless people involved in its development managed to dupe everyone for so long.
“Tis a vast global plot involving millions of scientists, health workers, politicians, government officials and police forces. The whole thing was made up to stop us going to the pub cos we’re cloggin the health system.”
When challenged on the possibility that his own copious alcohol and tobacco consumption may be doing far greater harm to his physical wellbeing than any vaccine, Kinsella angrily responded:
“I’ve been having me 8 or 9 pints and 60 fags a day now for as long as I can remember, and I’m still here. My body, my choice and my business, bar having half me colon and or 9 a lung removed, it’s done me no harm at all.”
“Me grandparents, God rest their souls, managed without any vaccines. 12 kids and only eight of them died young from the T.B, smallpox, typhoid, Spanish Flu, polio, cholera and measles, but sure we just got on with things back then. “
“I’ve stopped washing me hands every two seconds now too, only time ya need to do dat is after you’ve destroyed the jacks after a feed of stout and, even then, it depends how scuttered I am.”
Shortly after this interview was conducted, Jimmy contracted COVID-19 at the scene of his many aforementioned crimes, the pub toilet. He subsequently transmitted the virus to his wife of 40 forty years, Brigid, who has since succumbed to related complications. By some stroke of fortune, Jimmy overcame the virus and I caught up with him where he could be usually found.
“Sure, these things happen I suppose. At least it wasn’t the global elites that got poor Brigid in the end. Pint when you’re ready there Orlaith.”
