Shock and outrage were expressed locally this week with the news that a caravan of Ukrainian refugees had decided to uproot their lives in their homeland thousands of kilometres away, with the sole purpose of preventing a racquetball night to occur in Arklow. Up until this point, the citizens of Arklow had ostensibly been “standing with Ukraine” in their plight against Putin, but now that the indigenous tribe have been minorly inconvenienced, all empathy has been rescinded until further notice.
“Growing up in the racquetball scene of Kyiv, we were always taught to hate our sporting counterparts in Arklow. Through the centuries, what began as a friendly sporting rivalry quickly descended into a bitter animosity. We now detest Arklow Racquetball Club even more than Putin!” proclaimed the leader, Sergie Sqiashakov, of the faction known as D.A.R.B- Destroy Arklow Racquetball.
“And what better time to strike a blow against our sworn enemy than when fleeing the destruction of our homes, families, friends and pets by Russian forces,” Squashakov added.
The bombshell realisation that standing with Ukraine actually involved more than changing the colour of one’s social media profile pictures will “take some getting over,” a local slacktivist said.
Google Analytics reported a total of 9,317 Arklow Facebook users removed the troubled state’s national flag from their pages once they learned that real-life Ukranaians would be landing on their doorstep.
Local councillor, Billy Fitzbollicks, has ordered the immediate destruction of the recently installed blue and yellow lighting at the Nineteen Arches Bridge. Any remaining paraphernalia will also be rebranded from “Standing with Ukraine” to “Standing on Ukrainians.”
“Well, like everyone else, I was all for standing with Ukraine when it didn’t impact on my life. I did more than my bit texting a few quid to The Late Late Show and, I even went to a table quiz. If I had known that myself, and my compassionate electorate, had to make microscopic sacrifices then I never would have milked the war victims for every photo opportunity and soundbite it was worth.”
“I have been inundated with hysterical bored housewives wondering what will become of their racquetball night now they have been asked to forfeit this sacred event in the religious calendar in return for saving human lives.”
“I propose a compromise that a racquetball championship could be staged whereby refugees compete with club members, with the victor winning an all-expenses-paid luxury stay in Costa Del’ eisure Centre. That way the club can continue operating whilst also providing accommodation for a solitary Ukrainian who has earnt their most exclusive place in the land of saints and scholars, a colloquial twist on The Hunger Games if you will.”
Self-styled social justice warrior and all-around parasitic arsehole, “Taebag” Diggins, is outraged at the thought of Temple Leisure Centre being appropriated to house desperate refugees fleeing a brutal conflict.
“Like, I’m all for helpin Ukrainians on Facebook, but what about lookin after our own first like? That hall could be used to home our homeless instead. Everybody knows the LCFSC (Leisure Centre Financial Services Centre) is the beating heart of Arklow, a powerhouse of economic innovation within the larger Western Hemisphere, employing thousands of people. It was only getting back on its feet after the pandemic and then this happens. The centrepiece of the LCFSC, the highly prestigious coffee shop, has survived Starbucks and Costa Coffee coming to town but not this.”
I suggest to Diggins that feigning concern for potential local job losses and the lack of suitable facilities for the refugees is merely codifying racism into socially acceptable parlance. I cite him the following example illustrated by Lee Atwater, former political consultant and strategist for the Republican Party:
You start out in 1954 by saying, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.” By 1968 you can’t say “nigger”—that hurts you, backfires. So you say stuff like, uh, forced busing, states’ rights, and all that stuff, and you’re getting so abstract. Now, you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is, blacks get hurt worse than whites.… “We want to cut this,” is much more abstract than even the busing thing, uh, and a hell of a lot more abstract than “Nigger, nigger. –
I push Diggins further on what he has ever done to assist “his own” homeless people himself, bar masquerading online as a socialist republican that champions the oppressed from the comfort of his state-funded spawning tank.
“I like and share all the St. Vincent de Paul posts at least three times a day. I also post photos of homeless people to raise awareness, like.Sure that centre isn’t fit for purpose anyway, they can’t live in a hall. I would rather they were all wiped out at the hands of the Russians than have to sleep on a lumpy, cold mattress here!”
I raise the outrageous possibility of Diggins offering his own couch to the downtrodden, either Irish or foreign, until they get on their feet?
“Nah, sure me council gaff is already packed to the rafters with sprogs, not a square inch, or couch, can be spared. Two more chaps on the way too, cant fit anymore man. ”
Father Peter File was unavailable for comment regarding the possibility of the church providing their vast property empire to alleviate the suffering of Ukrainians.
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