United States Secretary of Defense, Llyod Austin, has made the unprecedented announcement to cut all funding and cease operations of the U.S military with immediate effect. The move comes in light of recent events, whereby only a handful of Irish fishermen single-handedly defeated the might of the Russian Navy, thus, preventing an inevitable nuclear holocaust. From midnight tonight, the U.S. Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, Space Force and Coast Guard will be permanently dissolved and replaced with a Delta Force of fishing trawlers, headed by Patrick Murphy, the five-star general of the Irish South and West Fish Producer’s Organisation.
“Well, in 2020, the United States spent around 766.58 billion U.S. dollars on its military, the highest in the world,” said General Lloyd Austin.
“That is no small amount indeed, but we were quite proud of the technological monster we had created. That was until I was watching CNN and saw a few old, pudgy fishermen do a better job than our boys could ever do and at a mere fraction of the cost!”
“He may not look it, but Paddy Murphy is one of the finest leaders I have ever witnessed on the naval battlefield, and I will proud to serve with him for the next move in this new era of Cold War geopolitical chess.”
“Cynics would say those Russkies only backed down from their planned exercises in Irish fishing waters because of frantic, last-ditch, back channel negotiations between the warring superpowers, but I’ve seen enough combat to realise it was Paddy and his ragtag bunch of gombeen sailors who made Putin blink first. This evil dictator generally poisons and kills who he likes anywhere in the world but not the plucky Irish fishermen!”
“For the price of pints and a few packets of Scampi Fries in the local bar, we can fund the fisherman defence system, saving potentially trillions in military spending in the long term!”
