The town of Arklow was left reeling yesterday with the news that its much loved, and longest serving, junkie, HM King Scumbag II, had passed away as peacefully as a bout of opioid-induced constipation. The Royal syringe flew half mast over Fuckingham Palace as news of the death filtered to the king’s inconsolable victims.
Undecipherable social media tributes were led by the new monarch, HM King Toerag III, The Duke of Scrotechester and the Duchess of Gear.
“Luv yaa bro, best lad…butiful both inside and out…so gentle…sweet upd ere with angles no doubt R.I.P,” addressed the Duchess through the official Royal Twitter account this afternoon.
“Luv ya da, I no ur lurkin down on us with biggie, 2pac and bob marley cuz,” proclaimed the HM King Toerag. “Im calling a national 10 day sesh of shooting up and gettin mad ourra it.”
HM King Scumbag II had been suffering declining health in the past year, with his trademark public beatings, muggings, robberies and threatening behaviour becoming all too infrequent.
Local amusement owner, Pat Byrne, captured the public mood most eloquently when he described HM King Scumbag II as a “roguish oxygen thief who won’t be missed […] Many’s the time I had to exit His Highness from my premises for vomiting his beloved mephedrone all over my machines.”
Garda McBoggerson also paid tribute by stating the town had “lost not just a King, but a perennial pest”.
“Not many in this town can claim his dedicated lifetime of service-416 convictions- to carnage and mayhem as HM King Scumbag II. Even for those that don’t consider themselves royalists, they can still appreciate his total commitment to the gear and weed, shooting up and smoking right till the end.”
Choking back the tears, McBoggerson continued:
“He was just always there, a constant turd in an ever-changing toilet bowl. To the public, he will always be that reassuring menace to society, but those who knew him best bore witness to just how outrageously funny he could be. I’ll remember with fond memories the hilarious cartoons he used to draw with his own excrement on the police cell wall.”
At the funeral ceremony, a syringe and cup of mephedrone were placed on the altar of Seshminster Abbey to honour the king. The offertory gifts were duly consumed by Father Peter File with great gusto. After pouring the sticky green liquid into his eyeball, Father File exclaimed that he hadn’t “felt this alive since his missionary work in the Philippines” and that “needless to say, the only missionary going on was in my bed.”
HM King Scumbag’s coffin processed out of the cathedral to the haunting sounds of Notorious B.I.G’s “Juicy.” As per his request, HM King Scumbag III’s untainted body will be donated to science.
Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam.
