Patrons of TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ were left reeling with the news this week that the locally renowned eatery suffered a dawn raid at the hands of the Criminal Assets Bureau.
Rumours have always persisted about the apparent overnight success of the signature TURNIP TAPAS™ establishment, with scepticism reaching a crescendo upon business owner Timmy McShifty floating the then-limited company on the New York Stock Exchange.
“Where will I travel 27 miles to eat my favourite 100 Euro TURNIP TAPAS™ out of the back of a grimy rat-infested shipping container in an abandoned ghost industrial estate now?” bemoaned a visibly distraught regular customer Morris Pecking.
“Like, myself and the family were always a bit sceptical about how a cash-only TURNIP TAPAS™ bar proprietor in the middle of Ballygobackwards Industrial Estate was somehow driving a diamond-encrusted Lamborghini, dripping in more gold jewellery than King Tutakuhuman, an owner of; six mansions, three yachts, a G5 jet, 16 foreign holidays a year and a Manhattan condominium. Fuck me, though, if you haven’t sampled his delicious TURNIP TAPAS™ then you really do not know what the fuck you are talking about at all!
One bite into Timmy’s delicious secret sauce would erode even the scepticism of Jessica Fletcher on her worst day. Who cares if Timmy is currently under investigation for laundering the proceeds of gangland kingpin ‘The Ballerina’ – who himself is linked to countless murders, drug overdoses and general misery and destruction – when Timmy’s secret turnip sauce consistently sends me to gastronomic Valhalla.
Sometimes I would experience a pang of guilt when considering the human cost of enjoying the irresistible TURNIP TAPAS™, but then I would log on to Timmy’s social media pages and be instantly reassured that the vicious rumours were indeed merely the spawn of the countless pretenders to his TURNIP TAPAS™ throne.
Anybody can see the truth for themselves on Timmy’s FAKEBOOK page, where he does indeed “rise n grind” every day and, crucially, is actually chairman of the board of the “Hustler Academy.” I am sure if his accounts were forensically audited then one would probably see that the lion’s share of his income is actually derived from a hugely successful real estate company selling timeshares in – the sanctity of purity that is – Dubai. If you can’t trust a three-piece suited, perma-tanned, Turkey-teethed TURNIP TAPAS™ Godfather then who can ya trust?
TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ has been contacted for comment, with his representative informing us that he is currently preparing a charity tapas bake-off for the needy to rehabilitate his tattered public image. After studying other seemingly successful recent local examples, It is hoped this blatant charity washing will hypnotise the public into forgetting about all his alleged misdeeds as he desperately attempts to reinvent himself as Mother Teresa.
The customary GoFundMe will also contribute to Timmy’s hefty legal costs so he is not also forced to sell the well-guarded recipe for his signature TURNIP TAPAS™ sauce.
