Newly appointed Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag wasted no time in his new role with an audacious attempt on the life of the much-reviled club captain, Harry Maguire.
The 29-year-old defender received a bomb threat to his home, and a subsequent search by police revealed enough semtex to put a sizeable dent in Maguire’s massive slab head.
Ten Hag has claimed responsibility for the attack and has stated he will keep persisting until the “shittest player at the club and his family are slaughtered.”
“I had always wanted to arrive at such a massive club with an even bigger bang, both metaphorically and literally, and what better way to do this than blowing up the fan’s most despised player,’ proclaimed the Dutch master.
“So what if I murdered his wife and children in the process? After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs!’ Since he is known as ‘The Fridge” by supporters, I thought I would instantly win their hearts by planting the bomb in his kitchen appliance. I can already hear them chanting my name on the terrace!”
“When I was interviewed for the job, the title of my Powerpoint presentation was “To Reconstruct Manchester United, We Must First Deconstruct Maguire.” The board wholeheartedly agreed with me, hiring me on the spot, but they reserved judgement on how exactly this aim could be achieved.”
“Several scenarios were discussed, including kidnapping his wife and children as we knew the useless cunt couldn’t even defend them properly. The board were concerned such a protracted process would negatively affect share prices though, so they asked me to come up with a quicker and more permanent solution. It was then our very own Gunpowder Plot was formulated with the Glazer family’s ultimate blessing.”
“The killing of innocent civilians may seem a tad extreme to those who don’t understand football, but I assure you nobody will remember the Maguires in ten years when they are erecting my Greek warrior-influenced statue outside Old Trafford.”
“I also presented a crude design of this sculpture to the board, with Maguire’s decapitated head in one hand and a Premier league trophy firmly in the other. Whatever costs the costs of this would be offset multiple times over by serving as a constant reminder to any other upstart who considers challenging me.”
I asked Ten Hag when his next assassination attempt on Maguire was planned?
“ In Harry’s own words “we go again” so, with the full financial backing from the board, Maguire will be gone forever by Christmas, at the latest.”
“I did not get to where I am today by being completely heartless, so as a concession, I suggested, if absolutely necessary, the club could erect a tiny plastic plaque under the Munich clock commemorating the memory of the Maguires.”
