Taoiseach launches ‘Poison a Pensioner’ scheme in Bridgewater, Arklow
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“I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.”
A Modest Proposal: For preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick, Jonathan Swift
“You might not feel the housing crisis impacts on you if you are in your forties or fifties and you have your house and your kids are in primary school or teenagers – but it will if we allow this to continue. They will be stuck living at home with you, or they will have to rent – or they might just emigrate. You will lose them and potential grandchildren. You need to realize that, as a result of the housing crisis, you are losing your children to depression, to stress, to emigration.”
Gaffs: Why No One Can Get a House, and What We Can Do About It, Rory Hearne
Our dear leader Simon Harris, flanked by photo op merchant €10M Brennan, paid a flying visit to the Bridgewater Centre to promote Fine Gael’s flagship Budget 2025 measure, Poison a Pensioner (PAP). The thrust of the scheme is to encourage the 450,000 adults who are still indefinitely trapped living at home with their parents-or ‘Generation Stuck’ as it’s referred to-to poison them by way of state-provided washing detergent. Once ‘neutralised,’ the adult offspring will then inherit the property, thus easing the national housing crisis and automatically voting Fine Gael. It is estimated the scheme could potentially end the lives of over 800,00 narcissistic, aul rosary-clutching codgers as they finally get sent packing one way to meet the Lord our Saviour, Eamonn Casey, Sean Fortune, Brendan Smyth and all the angels and saints in heaven.
“Well, we have only stopped short of blaming de bleedin foreigners for the Kynochs disaster and many are now getting wise to the fact that it’s not immigrants that fucked up the property market for decades, so to change things up I recommended to my minions that we implement Operation Soapflake. My dastardly scheme was inspired by the tragic news of recent incidents of elderly citizens mistakenly ingesting detergent-my heart goes out only to the dead FG voters with all the sincerity of Philip Schofield-whereby the doddery auld sods mistook the Daz in the kitchen press for milk and poured it on their Cornflakes. Upon reading these sorrowful articles, a lightbulb moment then came to me, what if I and my party members do what we do best by infinitely exploiting the tragedy and suffering of the unfortunate for political and economic gain. Like my right-wing conservative man crush, Winston Churchill once said; “Never let a good crisis, go to waste” and I really feel that this scheme has the potential to be as big a hit as the children’s shoes tax,” stated Harris.
“We property owners watch the value of our house prices rise while the generation looking for a home watches their chances of buying one fall. And it’s our adult children living at home or stuck in private rentals who are losing out. That connection didn’t appear to be made by a lot of older homeowners until recently.”
“For most people, it’s always been expensive to buy a home, and they had to work hard and scrimp and save. But it has never been harder to buy a home than it is in today’s Ireland. Housing has never been as expensive relative to income and wages. And previous generations never faced trying to win a bidding war against global investor funds, wealthy ‘cash buyers’ and propertied landlords.”
Gaffs: Why No One Can Get a House, and What We Can Do About It, Rory Hearne
“So from midnight tonight, I’ll be instructing the Department of Social Protection to post 1kg of industrial-strength washing detergent powder to every household with adult children at their wit’s end at home with no hope of ever affording to move out anywhere bar a cardboard box. Unfortunately, the budget couldn’t stretch to brands such as Persil, but as my esteemed predecessor Leo once said, the same euro can’t be spent twice! I have been assured though by civil servant mandarins that the powder will still be potent enough to do the job of two parents and perhaps even grandparents or Uncles, Aunts etc if so desired. I am fully aware that if this measure is successful it will essentially wipe out the core homeowner pensioner base of our wretched party, but by then I’ll have already chartered a private jet to Barbados to catch up with the half of Fine Gael quislings that have already fled to Barbados,” quipped the cheerful Taoiseach.
“Older generations are starting to get it too – if a little belatedly – that it’s not millennials drinking too many lattes that’s stopping them from moving out, but government housing policy, along with landlords and investor funds, locking the younger generations into their childhood bedrooms and rent traps.”
“There is a generational fissure growing in this country, a divide unlike anything we have seen for a long time. It is a generational inequality in housing. A generation is being locked out of one of the most basic human needs – a home. The crisis has reached the point of inflicting major social and economic damage to this country and its people, and is even causing a mental health crisis of its own.”
Gaffs: Why No One Can Get a House, and What We Can Do About It, Rory Hearne
