“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” -Some Arsehole
In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or doxxing in Internet slang, a male tutor, in his late 30’s, in Inch was found dead with a pink dildo shoved up his arse. Whilst this is nothing unusual in the area, the uniqueness of this incident is that the inordinately long object was also found protruding out from beneath the victim’s jaw. Investigating Gardai are already dubbing this peculiar form of murder a “dildonian necktie.
“Yeah, sure it reminded me of Escobar and them lads off that Narcos. There are plenty of sick fuckers around this neck of the woods for sure but tis usually the farm animals locals interfere with,” declared a quizzed-looking Det. McBoggerson
I ask the useless fuck if he is any closer to solving this gruesome crime.
“No, but we are following a definite line of inquiry regarding some recent social media posts where the victim seems to have become collateral damage resulting from an almighty Facebook battle of biblical proportions. Either that or he was simply a kinky bastard who always went around with a dildo shoved up his arse and out his throat, his still throbbing erection suggests this. We are still awaiting formal identification to rule this possibility in or out.
We are exploring if the deceased may have been mistakenly identified by a disgruntled element as the genius behind this very publication. As you and I well know, this paper has slung so much shite that it would take decades to narrow down who the offended culprit may be.
So far, we suspect;
-Father Peter File is a person of particular interest and the entire global clerical and administrative membership of the Catholic Church. I’ve already dispatched a team of my best men to the Vatican to investigate further
-Every drug and alcohol addict in the world, will require even more manpower to look into
-Every member of the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael parties and everyone who ever voted for them
-Rugby fans everywhere and private school pupils, both past and present
-Anybody who has been, or currently is, employed by a foreign multinational company
-Anybody who has committed suicide or who has suffered a suicide-related bereavement,
-British monarchists/royalists or, by association, monarchists/royalists of other nations
-Golf club members everywhere
-GoFundMe charity fraudsters
-Rose of Tralee fans and anybody that has ever been involved in the event
-Nymphomaniacs,
-Onlyfans models.
-Pigs and people who consume them
-People suffering from the menopause
-Rapists/perverts/thieves
-Erik Ten Hag and Harry Maguire
-Arklow Badminton Club, Vladimir Putin and the populations of Ukraine and Russia
– All the victims of Catholic Church abuse and criminality
-Dana and all her fans
-Virtue signallers
-The entire U.S Military and the Irish fishing fleet
-Bodybuilders
-The Rolling Stones and all their fans
-Employees of the Department of Social Protection
-Pelican birds
-The Wastewater Treatment Plant
-Organisers of The Seabreeze Festival and anybody who may have/still enjoy it
-The Father Murphy statue
-Publicans
-People who like ROLO® (inclusive of the traditional packet, ice cream, pouch, yoghurt, Easter Egg etc.)
-Members of the LGBTQIA+ and heteronormative community
-Anybody who has ever won an award of any description
– One-Parent Families
-The woke mob/cancel culture
-General fuckwits
-Entire membership of An Garda Síochána and Maurice McCabe
-Fans of The Boomtown Rats and Sir Bob Geldof
-The population of Ireland
-The population of Limerick and anybody who has ever suffered from knife crime
-The Government
-Boy racers
-People who wear Christmas jumpers
I asked if Det. McBoggerson was confident of catching the suspect from such a diverse cross-section of the entire planet.
“Well, our suspect must possess this full list of characteristics, without exception, because if they didn’t, and only took offence to their own narrowly perceived conception of identity, then that would make the suspect a thundering hypocrite! So with our big data analytical model, I think we can cross reference all those categories and whittle it down to one individual culprit.”
To be continued………
