With the ongoing events in Ukraine resulting in higher energy costs for all, growing numbers of citizens are struggling to commit suicide by gas. No country is feeling the pinch more than Ireland, with a proud tradition of Catholic guilt-self-deletion tracing back centuries. One such victim of this suicide poverty is soulless civil servant, Eoin Stuffydick:
“Well, due to my spirit-crushing job in the Department of Social Protection, I am generally teetering on the brink of ending it all, but it was receiving my latest gas bill which really sent me over the edge,” the boring cunt opined.
“I am really snookered now, you see, because my favoured choice of suicide was always going to be the head in the oven, been planning it ever since I began my miserable career, but now I can’t even afford to do that! If the government don’t intervene in this energy crisis soon, then I fear I may never be able to kill myself.”
“After a particularly bad day at work two weeks ago, I had finally decided to execute, for lack of a better word, my plan of action. I also couldn’t face another night of crying whilst masturbating in front of the Late Late Show, so I turned the oven to gas mark 6 to unleash that sweet and pungent aroma of death.”
“Whilst waiting for my DIY gas chamber to fill, I noticed a letter at the foot of the door. I raced over, wondering if it was Winning Streak getting back to me about the winners of the draw. A positive correspondence would have least temporarily put a stay on my execution. But, alas, all that peered back at me, jeeringly, was a Bord Gais fuckin energy logo.”
“I wept and gnashed my cigarette-rotted teeth whilst reading the bill for thousands of euros before sullenly turning the gas off. The crushing realisation now dawned upon me that suicide by oven was now but a mere gas pipe dream, reserved only for the 1% per cent in society.”
In response to a suicide rights protest on O’ Connell St earlier this week, Minister for Environment, Climate and Communications, Eamon Ryan, conceded that we are “facing into one of the most challenging winters for suicide in a generation.”
He pledged to halve the cost of ropes, razor blades, bleach, and other items from the departmental-approved suicide implement list, providing a “ variety of safe and affordable methods of suicide for every town and village in Ireland”.
Taoiseach Micheal Martin also weighed in on the issue at yesterday’s Dail briefing:
“Let me be clear, the current advice is to still kill yourself, where at all possible. Not only will this release the burden on yourself but also on the state’s increasingly overstretched housing and energy supplies.”
“Unfortunately, the government can’t cover the entire costs of your self-termination, but I have already reached out to Bord Gais Ireland regarding a possible price freeze. Nobody anywhere this winter should suffer suicide poverty.”
