Conspicuous charity contributor and regular Mass-goer, Jude Kavanagh, single-handedly saved the world last week when she selflessly donated some disgusting food that she couldn’t get rid of to the suffering of Ukraine. Known as the Mother Teresa of Arklow, to absolutely nobody but herself, the rosary-clutching bigot made sure the whole town knew of her good deed.
“Well I had a lot of stuff I couldn’t get rid of like sardines in curry sauce, a slab of Coke Zero and a tin of Quality Street a fellow parishioner gifted me for Christmas. I couldn’t even pawn that off on the nieces and nephews. That went in the food aid to Ukraine, along with a jar of out-of-date Frankfurters, honey-coated bagels and the Christmas special of the RTE guide.”
“I’m convinced the war-ravaged civilians of Donestk will love to see it arrive. I spent a good 40 minutes arranging these items in a presentable fashion for endless photos in the parish church Facebook group and the various Arklow community pages.”
I put to Jude that self-praise is no praise at all, and that publicising one’s own good deeds is merely a superficial attempt for online validation from fellow social media subhumans.
“What good is being charitable though unless the whole world knows? Not worth saving my fellow white, civilised, Christian brethren- who share my Western values- unless the parish knows.”
I politely informed Mary that approximately 20 per cent of Ukraine’s foreign students are African, including 4,000 Nigerians, and this grouping undoubtedly comprises of many religions other than Christianity.
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the angels and saints in heaven (also blesses herself repeatedly.) I’m not donating to the likes of that crowd. Sure why do you think I never lifted a finger for those suffering conflict and famine for years in Syria, Afghanistan, Palestine and Yemen? I’ll ring the charity now and see can I get that stuff back, they might come in handy for the Father File’s next church raffle.”
