An angry pitchfork mob assembled at the newly refurbished parade grounds last Tuesday, as enraged locals protested the housing of an unvetted single adult male in the adjacent church grounds . Although the resident is not believed to be of fighting age, he is still considered a threat to the wider public, with children considered particularly at risk. It is believed the unwelcome lodger is not from Arklow and has been living rent-free in the large dwelling for some time.
“Like, we ‘re not racist at all, but why weren’t we consulted about this non-Arklowian living among us?” quipped a visibly animated Taebag Diggins. After the ‘Ukrainian Invasion,’ as he puts it, Mr Taebag decided to form D.O.L.E (Degenerate Obese Layabout Eejits). The group claims to represent a hard-line fringe element of xenophobic dole merchants.
“As soon as us locals dare ask any questions we are called Nazis, but why should I justify my hatred of all outsiders to anyone. I can trace me ancestry in the towwwwwnnn boi all the way back to the Vikings, or 1960s at least, so if anybody gets to decide who can live here it’s fuckin me!” proclaimed a statesmanlike Diggins.
He had by now retrieved a jerry can and lighter from the back seat of a neighbouring car. I suggested to him that instead of burning others as a protest, he should try self-immolation like the brave Buddhist monks of the Vietnam War.
“Nah bud, I’m just here for the live stream for me socials. Besides, Strictly Come Dancing repeat is on later, can’t miss dat.”
Also smelly and present amongst the cretinous mass of inhumanity was militant anti-vaxxer, Jimmy Kinsella. He unsolicitedly confided in me that he is spiritually lost ever since the pandemic has subsided.
“Well, the anti-vax movement really gave me purpose in life, but since all those people that got the jab didn’t die they way I wanted….I mean predicted, I’ve had to latch on to some other madding crowd instead.
And what better tried and trusted formula than good ol honest-to-God racism, worked for me folks, works for me. Bored and ignorant gobshites like meself can form a tribe very quickly based on a common fear of people we have never met or care to know anything about.
I have to say, I struggled to fit in at the beginning, but once ya start shouting random stuff like fighting age, unvetted single males, open borders, what about our own homeless? and “hospital waiting lists,” I was like a swine flu infected pig in shit.
Like, I’ve no problem with all the fine blonde Ukrainian women coming over here at all, at all, very easy on the eye, the more the merrier like. It’s the men I have the problem with cos I wouldn’t ride the hole off dem,” drooled the lecherous Kinsella.
Kinsella’s philsophical musings were thankfully punctuated by an exhausted-looking Councillor Billy Fiztbollocks emerging from the church gates.
“I have indeed found an unvetted single male, convicted of historical sex crimes-though not in this parish-living rent-free within the church grounds but, unfortunately, it’s not the one ye are looking for. It is indeed, our much-beloved parish priest, Father Peter File.”
A collective sigh is audibly heard from the once-baying rabble. “No problem at all Billy, always better the devil, you know, eh?” announced Taebag.
