Eleventh-hour negotiations between demonstrators and the council concluded late last Monday night on how the much-beloved Pig Race could be rescued from the dustbin of history. Fianna Fail stooge Billy Fitzbollicks announced, whilst munching heartedly on a rasher butty, that the pig Race would now morph into the Sausage Race.
“Well, I’ve already survived four assassination attempts on my life from poisoned bacon and cabbage regarding my support for the Pig Race. It’s an age-old tradition spanning all the way to 2010 so to see it go is a terrible piggy….sorry pity….indeed.
In consolation to the army of die-hard Pig Race fans of Arklow, I will personally prepare a spit-roasted pig for all to dine out on after the Sausage Race has concluded.”
Never to miss an opportunity to boost local coffers, FitzBollocks has also negotiated an exclusive endorsement deal with Denny for the upcoming Sausage Race, with the winner receiving a gold medal along with a lifetime supply of sausages.
Proud activist queen Grainne NiMollycoddle expressed her elation in seeing the Pig Race replaced with the Sausage Race. I point out to her that her ruthless campaign has already directly led to increased pork sales in local supermarkets, with the event sponsor, Denny, recording record profits from the sponsorship tie-in.
“Ah, once the pigs will not suffer the sheer barbarity of the seconds of torture involved in the Pig Race then I don’t care how many are bred for slaughter on an industrial scale in the entrail festooned abattoirs of Ireland. Cut me off a nice thick slice of that hog there Billy.”
“No problem Grainne, the least you deserve for saving the towns bacon!”
