Arklow priest, Father Peter File, is reportedly “shitting himself” about the excavation works currently underway adjacent to his church. The world renowned sex-pest whinged from his pulpit recently that his permission wasn’t sought for such road works, citing disruption to the parking arrangements of his parishioners as a reason for necessary consultation with him. But in an exclusive scoop by yours truly, I can now reveal the skeletons,both literally and metaphorically, behind the clerics’ anxiety.
“As you well know, unsanctioned digging on, or near, consecrated church property hasn’t gone very smoothly for the Catholic church lately, both here and abroad,” explained Father File. “You can understand my dismay when I was disturbed from listening to my Dana records by the hammering of a JCB hammering right outside the church gates!”
“In a fit of panic I haven’t felt since my housekeeper’s positive pregnancy test, I dashed down towards the commotion in terror at what may have been already disturbed by the builders.
“Upon peering into the newly formed crater, I was pleasantly surprised to discover the collective repressed Catholic shame and guilt of successive generations of Arklonians.”
“Resting beside that were the long lost remnants of the Church’s morality and conscience, which I promptly directed the council workers to rebury immediately, as it was never used in the first place.”
“The final discovery though almost had me speed dialling the solicitors of the Sisters of Bon Secours. Admittedly, not the 796 infants found on their sacred grounds, but, by my estimation, a respectable few hundred perished children nonetheless.”
“A normal, compassionate soul would probably lose the head altogether at such a ghastly vista, but if there is one thing a lifetime working for the church has taught me is to become a cold-hearted, ruthless psychopath.”
“In true Christ-like fashion, I lawyered up, denying all knowledge of the burial site and demanding carbon and DNA testing of the remains before I said anything else through my legal team.”
“Fortunately, for the church coffers, the results proved the skeletons were of Viking origin, thus, long predating when myself, and my looney tune predecessors, ever got a chance to rape and pillage ourselves. Never one to miss a tax-free financial opportunity, we plan to open a Viking theme park/restaurant on the other side of the church, selling plastic replicas of the children’s bones, bone pens, bone knives and forks. Whatever ones we don’t sell we can rebrand for our newly opened Tuam Babies theme park.”
