Following the multiple road fatalities, chemical leaks, overturned trucks and vandalised rainbow crossing’s resulting from the recently installed one-way system, Arklow Municipal District Council have commissioned a survey of the social media whinge bags to determine what exactly went wrong. The collated data from the study found one common factor between all the victims, the overwhelming majority failed fundamental semiotic comprehension.
“Well it was after the death of the fourth child during the first day of the system that an urgent meeting was called of council members,” said Councilor Billy FitzBollocks. “We knew the chaos couldn’t possibly be our fault, so we commissioned an online aptitude test based on basic signs and symbols, such as fucking pointing arrows on road signs.”
“Much to the council members relief, it turned out that, for once, it wasn’t us that were the useless cunts, but that nine out of ten locals surveyed had failed the test, with many confusing the arrows pointing left or right for the hieroglyphics inscribed on the walls of Tutankhamun’s tomb.”
Local fisherman, Oranges Thompson, seems to concur with FitzBollocks’s assessment as he detailed to me how he seamlessly transitioned to the new system.
“It’s easy to like, you take a left at the roundabout, then a right, then a left, do the hokey pokey and shake it all about, then come back down the way you came before twice, but only after the courthouse clock strikes 10, but not before the cock crows at the wheely pump corner, simple really. Then again, I don’t drive though.”
Unemployable, full-time mother of two, Mary Kinsella, compared the ordeal of navigating the new traffic system to the horrors of the Gulags of Stalin’s Soviet Union.
“The school run is a fuckin disaster now, fuckin traffic lights everywhere at Ferrybank. They need to get rid of them all and just let people decide when to stop or go. Took me an extra 15 minutes to get to the school to pick up the kids, and the crippling separation anxiety they have been left with now has already scarred them for life.
“They wake up screaming in the middle of the night about the time Mammy abandoned them at the school for all that time. I’ll be making a claim against the council, the HSE and Mehole Martin for the emotional distress and lack of mental health services. It’s like living in fuckin Syria or somewhere! I’ve only ever voted for X-Factor in me life, but I’ll be voting out this shower of bastards come next election.”
Father Peter File suggested that perhaps a blessing of the one-way system would be in order. “As you well know, for decades, the church had the whole country standing up, kneeling and sitting down like trained circus animals, so I think, at the very least, we can manage to get parishioners to drive the right way down the Main Street!”
