Unemployed mother of two, Mary Kinsella, expressed her frustration and anger regarding her attempts to secure this seasons much sought after gift for her little angle, Peter, a Playstation 5. Mary has desperately tried to purchase the games console for her son on various online forums but found resellers were seeking grossly inflated prices.
“I know its Christmas and all dat but these fuckin absolute bastards are takin de piss. Me three year old wants the PS5 more than he wants his father out of Mountjoy. I don’t have 900 quid to be wastin and none of the thievin cunts will lower their price for me.”
“I swear to God like, I hope these lads and their whole families get strangled by their own guts after being shot with their own balls of shite. Christmas should be a time for sharing, love and compassion.”
I put to Mary that her three-year-old son couldn’t possibly grasp the technical differences between a Playstation 5 and, that of its previous iteration, the Playstation 4. I informed her that the latter has a glut of older, previously owned models freely available online and at reasonable prices.
“Fuck dat, it’s the new one or nothing like. Im not letting everyone on Facebook know im buyin cheap, second-hand shite for the centre of me universe. Me bestie got his chap one and so will I too. The Christmas bonus dole still doesn’t even come close to enough and the Community Welfare Officer told me computer games are not covered as an essential item.”
In a last-ditch effort to secure the precious device, Mary contacted her community leaders in the hope of raising the necessary funds to make Christmas sufferable for her family. In response, an intensive fundraising drive has been initiated by local councillor Billy FitzBollocks.
He is issuing a public appeal pleading with everyone to think of the “less fortunate and most vulnerable of society” this Christmas by donating at gofundme/ps5forpeter.ie, or to the team of donation collectors going door to door over the next two weeks.
“It is explicitly stated under the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, that every citizen regardless of income “bears the right to engage in rampant consumerism during Christmas.”
FitzBollocks continued stating, “it’s a tight deadline considering D-Day is only around the corner, but if the town pulls together as we have so often before, then we can do it. A concert in the style of Live Aid has also been arranged for this weekend at St Marys Park bandstand where the cream of local talents such as River of Sewage and Wastelife will perform.”
“A candlelight vigil will also be held afterwards to pray for Peter. Tickets are 15 euro each, and if successful, attendees will also receive a certificate of authenticity along with a signed picture of Peter with his PS5 on Christmas Day. Tickets can be purchased at my constituency office.”
https://ie.gofundme.com/f/ps5forpeter-fundraiser
