Fresh from defeating the marauding Ukranian hordes at the Battle of LCFSC (Leisure Centre Financial Services Centre), local religious extremist Jude Kavanagh has now refocused her efforts on what she excels at by terrorising other vulnerable social groups in town. Minimum wage staff everywhere have returned to cold sweat-induced sleepless nights at the thought of Jude returning to unleash fear and panic at their workplace.
Nicknamed the “Menopausal Menance,” the 2019 undisputed holder of Perimenopausal, Menopausal and Postmenopausal champion title belts was declared by trade unions as “ by far the biggest threat to their customer-facing members.” With many of Jude’s regular scenes of destruction closed during COVID-19 restrictions, the incumbent champion, Agnes Brennan, managed to steal her title belts by subjecting her husband and four children to a relentless campaign of domestic psychological warfare. Jude appealed the decision based on the fact she doesn’t have any children of her own to harass.
Despite the setback of this unforeseen interruption to her spell dominance, Jude confidently informed me she can regain her undisputed status as the biggest bitch in the town.
‘Well, I’m extremely eager to become Menopause champion again, but with the lockdown restrictions and also campaigning tirelessly online to eliminate those pesky Ukrainians, I found it extremely difficult to juggle the two.”
I ask Jude how her interest in indiscriminate civilian attacks began, and how she has consistently remained in contention for the Menopause titles all these years?
“Ever since my infancy, my complete irrationality in the face of any sort of minor inconvenience was always instinctual to me, but I really honed my craft shortly after I married that useless bastard of a husband. His business has long since failed so the prick isn’t even worth divorcing for the money either.”
“I haven’t had a ride since Ireland beat Italy in USA ’94 so ever since then I have to project my hormonal rage on anyone I can, preferably males as they all remind me of my useless hubby, and, crucially, as I am a member of the fairer sex they can’t even answer me back.”
What would a typical day consist of for you Jude?
“Well, I’ll start off the day getting out of the wrong side of the bed, then punch the other half square in the jaw before an exhilarating bout of self-flagellation in front of a blood-soaked, six-foot baroque painting of our Lord’s crucifixion. I’ll then prepare a breakfast comprising of:
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing.
Then, written in the blood of these creatures, I’ll prepare my plan of attack for the day. The key to my continued success strategically is to consistently target frontline staff who have no power whatsoever to implement the changes I see fit at their place of work. My forceful, and unsolicited, suggestions are immaterial either way as the desired result is always the same, me reducing my fellow human being to a quivering ball of tears.”
Jude has since been retrospectively stripped of her Menopause titles after she tested positive for the banned substance, Cuntazine. She has also been barred from all coffee shops, pubs and restaurants in the town. Jude has signalled her intent to appeal the decision of the WBA (World Bitch Association.)
Dedicated to long-suffering customer staff everywhere.
