Unsuspecting locals were treated to a trip back to the medieval ages last Wednesday morning, as the town’s recently refurbished €3,174,664 parade ground welcomed Bray’s finest signatories and aristocracy to Arklow courthouse for ‘re-education.’ Flanked by the Garda armed support unit and local and regional media outlets, there was a palpable carnival atmosphere as Wicklow Cunty Council managed to execute a magnificent event.
No expense was spared in personalising the promenade for our shackled guests, which was freshly tarmacked by the recently deported from Australia home repair/tarmacking specialists, the Ward Bros Boss!!!, who just recently obtained a five out of five-star rating on Antitrust Pilot.
Councillor Fiztbollocks was “over the moon” with the turnout of young and old for the event, stating that “the town has always had a proud tradition of criminality, whether it be swept under the rug paedophilia, drug dealing or general inter and intra-family violence.”
“As you well know, the Parade Ground’s original use was to hold the universe’s first ever LGBTQIXYWZFGTR+++—-~~~###@@@@/.coms parade back in 1745. It continued to be the gayest hotbed of debauchery and subversive sexuality right up until Famine Times, where many of the community unfortunately perished from An Gorta Mór or were forced to emigrate to Berlin which sowed the seeds of the German Weimar transvestite movement. If you visit there today you will witness many Doyles, Kavanaghs, Kinsellas and Byrnes in the Schwules Museum in Berlin, also known as the Gay Museum.
In conjunction with my friends in Bord Failte and their marketing of this side of the country as The Ancient East, we decided to incorporate Arklow into this marketing campaign as Medieval Inbhear Mor, and pivotal to this was the widening of the Parade Ground.
Much like the restructuring of post-revolution Paris, the intention of this broadening was to allow for extra troops and law enforcement to move freely down Arklow’s main thoroughfare in the event of future insurrection. As we are now at French revolution levels of economic inequality ourselves, the authorities must always be ready to quell any possible rebellion from plucky Arklonians, particularly when ever-increasing taxes fund such shite as private showers for certain council bigwigs offices.
Unfortunately for the killers in court today and as part of the Medieval Inbhear Mor campaign, there will be no penal punishment involved in their sentencing but instead public floggings and hangings akin to the end of Braveheart. We need to remind not only the accused but also the public of what happens when they step out of line. We are also exploring beheadings and public hangings in future too! The possibilities are endless with Ireland’s Ancient East and Medieval Inbhear Mor!”
