Arklonians breathed a collective sigh of relief at the news that, for a second consecutive year, the Seabreeze Festival will not be returning. Well worn bullshit such as obese cunts devouring burgers, pig raping, and the gyrating skeleton of Dickie Rock will now not be returning to the hallowed main street of Arklow, but not everyone was pleased with the news.
Counsellor Billy FitzBollox lamented the fact that he would not be able to claim the plaudits and, more importantly, expenses for such festivities this year.
“Well, I had big, big plans for this year. I had already arranged for my good friend Richie Kavanagh to fuck the winner of the pig race on the bandstand. Richie had even penned a festival anthem, “Did Ya Ever Pluck A Pig?”, which was to be performed at the opening and closing ceremonies. Decrepit crooner Dickie Rock was also going to be his warm-up act shuffling around the gig rig like a zombified Jimmy Savile.”
Arklow’s newly formed junkie marching band, Shoot Up Stars, had also been practising their new routines intensely in the run-up to the anticipated event. Band leader Oranges Thompson had hoped to lead his syringe-twirling majorettes through the streets to the tune of Iggy Pop’s, Lust For life, but he is still hopeful this performance can still take place at next years St. Patrick’s Day Parade: “If we are not all dead from dis crack epidemic I’ll be dere front and centre boi.”
Another casualty of this year’s cancellation is the Avoca River Swimming Challenge where only the bravest competitors dare navigate the most polluted river in Ireland. The river is celebrating the 50th anniversary of its toxic twinning with the Ganges in India. The winner of the race is decided by whoever picks up the most lifelong diseases, with the prize being a yearly pass to the Billy Bumptas Museum of Burger Art.
Not to be outdone by Mr Bezos and Mr Branson’s recent achievements, the piece de resistance of the festival would have involved a giant firework rocket launching Jedward into the stratosphere. Blasting their insufferable souls into the cold void of space, the subsequent exploding inferno would have produced a spectacular crescendo of lights and bodily matter, smattering the cheering punters below with their charred remains.
