Due to an unprecedented recent spate of knife attacks in the capital, all-time national stabbing champions, Limerick have been unceremoniously dethroned by east coast pretenders, Dublin. During their long, illustrious career, Limerick have accumulated a whopping 20 Stab City titles, a result of “hard graft” and a “rigorous training regime”, according to 12 times Most Valuable Stabber, Keith Sharp.
“To be honest I thought our record was secure for my lifetime anyway, maybe even me kids too-wherever they are- but now I have to go back to work. I never lost me life long passion for cutting strangers, growing up as kids we would stab the guts out of each other on the street until our Ma’s called us in for dinner. Time waits for no man though and I’m not as quick on the draw as I used to be. The rot had set in even by the time of me last campaign when victims were surviving.”
“It pains me to say, but the new generation in Dublin have impressed me with their sheer ruthlessness and silky dagger work. I like to think us Limerick boys blazed a trail for them though. They’ve even signed a few foreign lads who I have been hearing great things about. It just shows how the league has exploded in popularity and money to attract talent from abroad. When we won our first title, our whole murder squad was born within a few miles of our stomping ground.”
Of course, the question of disproportionate funding arose regarding the development of Dublin’s latest panel of knife-wielding maniacs.
“Yeah, they have poured a lot of money into the grassroots over the last decade, and that investment is certainly bearing fruit now. Dublin have big sponsors like Stanley Blades, so it is becoming hard to compete on their level.”
Keith was bullish when asked if he thought Limerick could reclaim their record, stating he has already begun knifing family members to boost Limerick’s points tally.
“Well, this certainly isn’t new for me, slumps were inevitable during our famous three-peat of ’06 where I’d often stab me ma and sister to keep us challenging. Wouldn’t kill them like but just enough to be recorded in the league table. They were always very supportive during the cities victorious reign, I don’t doubt they would have died for the parish. If you cant slice your family then who can ya slice?”
