Following this week’s indignation regarding a fifty-year-old song, Mick Jagger has gone back to the drawing board with “The Rolling Stones” smash hit, Br*n S*gar (for security reasons the title is censored.) The move comes following the band’s decision to pull the song from all of their concert playlists, but Jagger insists he has found a solution to the impasse between fans of the song and the constantly offended.
“Well, considering that in the past black artists, such as Lil Richard, chose to cover the song without issue, I presumed all was good. Decades later, middle-class white people have decided to take umbrage on behalf of people of colour everywhere, so I have decided to update the tune for the 21st century.”
“The updated title of the song is “African-American-Non-binary-She/Her Aspartame”. Admittedly, the song is now impossible to perform, but this doesn’t matter because of voice synthesiser software, which we have nicknamed “The Robo Stones”, now sing our famous anthem like never before.
But won’t this quite literally take the soul out of the Stones music, I ask?
“Not at all, performing the song this way guarantees that no Millennials/Generation Z will ever have their delicate sensibilities harmed now. Also, the beauty of using a computer to replace us is that it can never be accused of culturally appropriating black music and culture. “The Robo Stones” will also be hidden behind a curtain so as not to reveal any possible gender or racial bias.”
If cancel culture doesnt get us, we plan to perform all our hits in this fashion. I am currently working on new covers of our own songs, such as: “It’s Only Woke ‘n Roll (But I Like It)”, “Street Disagreeing He/Him”, “Let’s Spend the Night Together (Only To Discuss The Omnipresent Oppressiveness Of The Patriarchy)”, “Paint It Rainbow”, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want (But With Climate Change, You Shouldn’t Anyway)” and “Mental Health Support For The Devil.”
