“The Catholic Church owns €3.743bn of land and property in the State.” -Emma Gilleece, Village Magazine
Infamous child-trafficking, paedophilic, racketeering and tax-evading cult, the Catholic Church, are being investigated by An Garda Síochána, The Criminal Assets Bureau, Europol and Interpol regarding a cunning scam to defraud the elderly and feeble-minded of their pensions and life savings. The fraud typically involves a swindling priest offering eternal life and salvation to those who, often, aren’t even aware they have shit themselves. The priest will then leave with the money, whilst the service offered will never be performed. The clergy often take advantage of this group, citing diminished Mass collections and because they know the victims in question will have a steady income, great credit history, and more savings than younger people.
Detective Dan McBoggerson warned these criminals could be very convincing. Slick pageantry, professionally printed leaflets with a bogus God, and silver-tongued clergy often reassure people they are legitimate.
“The scam often begins in confession where the priest will suggest ten Hail Marys to absolve the victim’s sins but upon finding even bigger sins, further extortionate demands of cash will then be made. They have no problem hurting elderly people. They’ll just get the money and fool them. They see the vulnerability of the older age group.”
“Globally, the Catholic Church is estimated to be worth about 30 Billion USD.”- Emily Bourke, Australian Broadcasting Corporation
“Well we simply don’t give a fuck,” chuckled an unscrupulous Father File. “Somebody has to pay for my new Mercedes S-Class, three en-suite toilets, daily roast dinners and it sure as St. Vincent de Paul ain’t gonna be the Church. Since we can’t hoodwink younger generations anymore, we’ve had to redouble our efforts in hitting our targets by preying on the weak, elderly and infirm. It’s a strategy that works quite well for other gangs around the country, so, at the last board meeting, I suggested we try it ourselves.
Usually, it’s as easy as taking the virginity of an altar boy, but I have been known to dish out punishment beatings if the cash is not forthcoming. Our own particular false charity scam involves begging for a whopping over 100 grand to fix some aul organ we forgot we even had. Indeed, the organ did at one time serve a valuable purpose in masking the screams of suffering children, but, now that those halcyon days are no more, we have no need for it really. The funniest part is we actually defrauded more money from the suckers than we had the neck to ask for, so guess who is going back to Vietnam on holiday, baby?”
I suggest to Father File that perhaps the billions in untaxed wealth, property and assets of the Holy See and Irish Catholic Church would be better spent on paying the hundreds of millions still owed to the survivors of clerical and institutional abuse here.
“Ah, fuck them, deny till the fuckin die! Now which of my bidets will I wash my arse in today?”
