With tensions reaching fever pitch regarding the recent lynchings of members of the LGBTQIXYWZFGTR+++—-~~~###@@@@/.com community at the Duck Pond, perennial attention whore, Ivan Narrisick, has called on Wicklow County councillors to replace the current rainbow chocolate starfish highway with a giant phallus monument, also known as a “cockument,” in a show of solidarity to not only those recently savagely murdered but also as a memorial to historic victims of the long-running Anal Wars.
“The cockument was designed by the architect of another famous giant stiffey, the Millennium Spire, but our todger will be twice as long with twice the girth,” proclaimed a giddy Narrisick.
“We wish it to act not only as a sombre reminder of past atrocities towards our community in Arklow but also looking forward, or backside if you know what I mean, yahoo, to act as a beacon of cock and bum sex.Upon the cockuments erection, we plan to add permanently pulsating and glowing neon arteries to the cockument, simulating the veins of a fully erect Mickey. This will emanate retina-sorching light 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and will probably cause permanent blindness to wildlife, drivers and pedestrians alike, but we must get our message across by hook or by cock!”
Addressing energy concerns, Narrisick wishes to assure the public that the cockument will be fully carbon neutral, powered solely by biogreen energy distilled from horse semen.
“Once the successful trial period is over, we plan to have replica cockuments erected all over the town and, why not upcycle the many existing potholes into “bumholes” instead. This could easily be achieved with minimal time and effort, and at no additional cost, by simply painting anuses onto these eyesores.”
Councillor Billy Fiztbollocks welcomed the decision for funding the cockument but was wary of its environmental impact, particularly for motorists and old cunts:
“Well, the provisional architectural designs state the girth of the cockument at approximately 40 feet wide which would not only block traffic in either direction but also prohibit my constituents from collecting their pensions in the adjacent post office.We have seen similar cockuments in the UK where numerous road fatalities have resulted from its erection, with some of the victims even being members of the LGBTQIAIAIAZZZZZZZZZZZFFGFSGSF community themselves!
Call me old fashioned, but, to me, this would defeat the purpose of the cockument if it ends up killing more of that community than the entire death toll of the harrowing Anal Wars. We are all battered, bloodied and bruised after the resulting intergenerational trauma, and I think we all want to see the ballot box replacing the cock ring in politics!”
Narsicik refutes Fitzbollocks claims, stating: “It has been firmly established that these cockuments do not violate any road safety regulations, do not hinder the flow of traffic, and do not pose challenges to individuals with disabilities. The National Council for the Bum (NCBI) officially supported this initiative in writing. Instead, it has become a vibrant symbol of buggery and blowjobs.”
