Arklow Garda were proud to announce this week ultimate victory in the global war on drugs. The final nail in the coffin was delivered last Wednesday to the evil cartels, with a massive haul of 200 euro worth of Cannabis confiscated. Detective Dan McBoggerson was delighted to “hit the gangsters where it hurts” and was overjoyed that the war on drugs was ended right here in Arklow.
“Well, Id have often watched the crazy lads on Narcos, wishing I could somehow end the senseless loss of life they inflicted on so many. Little did I know it would one day be me who defeated them all in one fell swoop. After 9000 hours of surveillance and overtime payments, we swooped in hard and fast on the notorious local narcotics kingpin/college student.
“The grossly inflated estimated street value of the seizure was enough to keep these sociopaths baked for a whole weekend of Pro evolution soccer and cans. The lads at the station are already calling it Arklow’s French Connection, and to be honest I did feel a bit like Gene Hackman, slamming the stoned perp to the ground.”
I countered that drug prohibition has proven to be an unmitigated failure everywhere it has been implemented, diverting valuable taxpayer resources away from addiction rehabilitation services, whilst simultaneously criminalizing the majority of users with petty possession charges.
“Ah sure these bread and butter collars are fierce handy, kept the boss happy with the arrest quotas and I don’t have to go near any dangerous, hardened criminals. We let one or two lads deal responsibly of course cos we know everyone from the butcher, baker and candlestick maker still want to get wrecked at the end of a hard week.”
“The odd bust was just keeping up appearances that we were actually making some type of progress. I’m proud to say there hasn’t been a drought in the town since I took over the drugs squad. When I used to see the nightclub jacks with a queue out the door, I knew it was due to my efforts that they weren’t all be goin for a shite!”
A special commemorative plaque is planned at the address of the bust, depicting an image of Pablo Escobar’s angst-ridden face under the blue might of McBoggersons heel. I quizzed McBoggerson on what he planned to do now that war on drugs had officially ceased.
“Ah, strict jobs for the boys policy dictates that I’ll land on my feet with a pay rise in the new anti-e-scooter division. That should justify my existence whilst keeping the courts and public coffers full of fines.”
