“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” -Yuval Noah Harari
This week, Father File was proud to announce that the Fr. Brendan Smyth Sin Absolution campaign reached a 15,000 Euro milestone, with some outlets selling out of so-called Smythokens™ in mere seconds. The campaign is open to people of all ages and involves preying on the collective Catholic guilt and people’s irrational fear of burning in the afterlife forever and ever. According to Father File, the only method of avoiding such a demise is by collecting as many Smythokens™ as possible, at a mere cost of 50 euros each, thus securing your peace and safety in everlasting life.
“I have to say we’ve been blown away by the response. As prolific a paedophile as Smyth was, even the brand ambassador himself could never have anticipated such numbers. I will concede that some eyebrows were raised amongst my peers – and the Holy See – regarding the naming of the campaign after our finest export, Father Smyth, with concerns voiced that emblazoning his image all over campaign materials would cheapen his legacy. They often say the Irish were the hands that built America, well his were the hands that raped America, amongst the countless other jurisdictions we shifted him to and from. Lesser known and respected paedophiles were suggested as an alternative mascot, but I knew that if we were going to do this one right then we needed our talisman as the face of the campaign,” cheerfully exclaimed a jubilant Father File
“When a penny in the coffer rings, / A soul from Purgatory springs.”-Johann Tetzel, Dominican friar.
“It’s a tried and trusted formula, Catholic guilt and the empty promise of everlasting life have always been very powerful tools in getting people to do whatever you want them to, especially in parting with large amounts of their hard-earned cash. The more Smythokens™ purchased, the more chance each participant has of winning the ultimate prize, an all-expenses one-way trip to heaven. One can witness their progress on the chart erected on the front church gates and also through our app available for Apple and Android,” pontificated Father File.
“Why does not the pope liberate everyone from Purgatory for the sake of love (a most holy thing) and because of the supreme necessity of their souls? This would be morally the best of reasons. Meanwhile, he redeems innumerable souls for money, a most perishable thing, with which to build St. Peter’s church, a very minor purpose. “- Martin Luther
“With the current cost of living crisis, we realise not everyone can afford to reach the heaven jackpot, so we have tailormade various packages for every need. The entry-level package instantly absolves you of all the wanks you’ve ever had. This is proving a box office smash with both male and female flock members and was a trend previously reflected in our focus groups and market research.
The next level up is level two, the dreaded Purgatory. We find once we snag people to contribute enough to get this far, they don’t want to stay here too long and will spend anything to escape it.
The final contribution level does cost a lot in Smythokens™ but, in fairness, the reward is equally valuable, every fuckin lasting eternal life baby!!! Important to note that this is the only prize that comes with strict terms and conditions regarding non-refundability. We plan on picking the rotting carcas of the ever diminishing parishioners to the fucking bone!” cackled Father File.
“If mankind dared but to listen to the voice of its heart, changing suddenly the language, It would say to us, as it would to the animals of the woods: Nature created neither servant nor master; I seek neither to rule nor to serve. And its hands would weave the entrails of the priest, For the lack of a cord with which to strangle kings.” – Denis Diderot
