Local shite activists have expressed dismay at the announcement that Arklow’s wastewater treatment facility has commenced construction.
Concerns have arisen from the group, known as F.A.R.T (Fighting Against Restricted Turds), that without the continuous flow of piss, shit and vomit into the river Arklow will lose its coveted title of having the most polluted river in Ireland.
I spoke to F.A.R.T leader, Brendan Pooter, about his concerns for the future of the towns most famous feature.
“I grew up in Dublin, and as a child, I would count the days until our Summer holidays in Arklow knowing I could bathe all day and night in the scutter infested waters of the Avoca.”
“My siblings and I would throw the river turds at each other until tea time, and whoever found the biggest ‘floater’ would bring it home to polish and keep.”
“I also won numerous school arts and crafts competitions with paper mache entries made from shitty bog roll salvaged from the river. You could say I owe my resourcefulness to the river and the treasures it provides.”
“The delicate ecosystem of the Avoca greatly depends on the bounty of human excrement that flows into it on a daily basis, and without it will simply die. The weekends are essential to this, particularly the Guinness drinkers from the pubs along the river emptying their oily, treacly bowels directly into the river.”
“This rich source of iron keeps the plant and fish life going, particularly during the harsh winter months. I’m not a stout drinker myself, but for the sake of the wildlife, I regularly skull ten pints of the black stuff before destroying the pub Jax to do my bit.”
“I urge the public to do the same, but failing that, they can collect their piss and shit and deposit it in their local “F.A.R.T Bank”, which my dedicated shit team empty regularly into the river.”
“We also operate a loyalty dump system where the more shite you deposit with us the more you will earn off proven laxatives such as Guinness, Weetabix and prune juice. There is no turd too big or small!”
Mr Pooter’s valiant efforts have not gone unnoticed and coupled with his recent successful viral, “Every time I click my fingers, a shite dies” campaign, has earned him a Golden Turd award for his conservation efforts. Presenting him the illustrious award, Sir David Attenborough, urged him to “keep shiteing the good shite.”
