“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma Goldman
“If the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it. Politicians, counsellors, ordinary voters! – Yes, Prime Minister
It’s auction politics season again and the Fine in Failure coalition’s well-oiled election doom machine is gyrating and flexing more than Father File on his last ‘missionary visit’ to Cambodia. The freshly pressed suits and shined and buffed Winklepickers of Senators and Councillors alike have not been witnessed on the streets of Arklow for years, in some cases decades, as they strut around the town hellscape kissing babies and throwing party flyers like the entitled, self-important, absentee landlords of our colonial history that they so shamelessly ape.
About as useful as a pair of tits on the decaying mannequins of the countless derelict main st shop fronts they have neglected for so long, the Fine in Failure coalition continues to represent a by-gone Ireland that, unfortunately, at least politically is still missing its merciful coup de grace. Will the party base of decrepit old fuckers continue voting for the status quo; a white-only oasis of Murder She Wrote repeats and Sunday mass goers? I caught up with Cllr Fitzbollocks on the campaign trail, who, like herpes, stubbornly just won’t fuck off and die and somehow remains eternally and bizarrely optimistic.
“Well, it suits the party to maintain Arklow as a sort of ‘Valley of the Dead’ that is electorally dictated by a small, yet influential, elderly proportion owning everything and choking the next generations of any opportunity, much like the endless flow of nitrates from my massive estate into the Avoca River. In this regard, I think our tried and trusted election strategy will serve the Fine in Failure coalition well by exclusively looking after the old-monied landed gentry and merchant classes, elderly rosary-clutchers and generally wealthy and connected trough pigs that can scratch my back more than theirs. Anybody outside these golden-years golden circles eg the lower middle and scumbag…..I mean working classes can just kindly emigrate.
Similar to the bread and circuses of the Roman Empire – only a shittier pound shop version – the party strategists have devised a series of cunning bullshit distractions for the upcoming election cycle, such as the Arkla Strategy Plan 2024-2554. Here, we will promise every man, woman and child their own international airport, personal inflatable jacuzzi, a pet cat, a box of Ferrero Rocher, and a lifetime subscription to the dying animal rag that is The Wicklow People.
I particularly liked the rehashed airport shite our PR machine leaked to the press. Anybody with half a brain knows it will never happen, but sure doesn’t it keep the peasants optimistic about the future and arguing online at least until the elections are all over. Anything to distract the voter from the real issues and our litany of endless fuck ups and chronic mismanagement. We are the wealthiest country in the EU don’t you know, but heaven forbid peasant Joe Soap should expect to see any tangible benefits from it. Even if the airport does somehow proceed, it has already been earmarked as a Rwandan refugee Gulag
“The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to keep talking about it.” – Yes, Prime Minister
I quiz Fitzbollocks on how difficult it must be to convince the proles of how great their miserable lives truly are?
“Not at all, you see our average silver-haired or ‘Official Ireland’ voter believes everything they see and hear on the state broadcaster, so, naturally, we just continually bombard them with lies, damned lies and statistics about GDP, FULL EMPLOYMENT, GDP, FULL EMPLOYMENT, GDP, NATIONAL DEBT REDUCTION etc etc. The ordinary person will never see or touch the benefits of these media abstractions, but it will convince enough of them that everything is just dandy hahaha!
Sure it was only the other week we had the unfortunate incident of some dole merchant -one of my many sub-human rental tenants- mistakenly getting paid the nation’s entire GDP in the Post Office, and, of course, the feckless buffoon ended up blowing it all on fags, booze and scratch cards! See what happens when the poor are left to their own devices! Needless to say, Turas Nua hauled him in that very following Monday morning bright and early to sentence him to twenty years of hard labour crushing rocks by hand in the Rwandan quarry Gulag until it’s all paid back in full! That will keep the eejit constantly engaged in pointless and poorly paid tasks and, more importantly, out of mischief! I remember hearing an old Duchess say: ‘What do the poor want with holidays? They ought to work.'”
Cllr Fitzbollocks then informs me he is assured of victory after he received his traditional pre-election blessing from Sith Lord Father File last Sunday, promising fealty to the one true Holy Roman Emperor of Arklow and, thus, vowing to keep any Muslims from the consecrated pilgrimage ground of the Eir Depot Site. “I only visited it there recently to admire my handy work and it’s still the same beautiful derelict shithole it has been for decades,” he joyously proclaimed.
“In material terms, fuck all will change for anybody under the age of 40 in the town. The Fine in Failure coalition might bother with a few more LGBTQIZWETWEFBFG+ zebra crossings and disability flag days, but other than that you will all remain serfs of global capitalists. You will own nothing and be happy! As some lefty Rising proclamatory once muttered : ‘Yes, friends, governments in capitalist society are but committees of the rich to manage the affairs of the capitalist class.'”
“The […] politicians champion identity politics and diversity because it does nothing to address the systemic injustices. Diversity when it serves the oppressed is an asset, but a con when it serves the oppressors.” – Woke Imperialism, Chris Hedges
“I and my Fine in Failure coalition generation own all the houses and there is fuck all anybody can do about it!!! Once we can maintain the wedge issue of immigration and keep blaming ‘de bleeding foreigners’ for this inequality, then I’ll surely be the least shite candidate to get back in. Sure a football team swung it for me last time! I bought them a mountain of coke on a piss-up in Alicante so it was well worth it for everyone involved.
Vote No. 1 Billy Fitz-fuckin-Bollocks, or else my wife will take the house, the rental property empire, the kids, the Merc, the holiday home in Cork and leave me!!!!
The Irishman frees himself from slavery when he realizes the truth that the capitalist system is the most foreign thing in Ireland. The Irish question is a social question. The whole age-long fight of the Irish people against their oppressors resolves itself in the last analysis into a fight for the mastery of the means of life, the sources of production, in Ireland. Who would own and control the land? The people, or the invaders; and if the invaders, which set of them – the most recent swarm of land thieves, or the sons of the thieves of a former generation? – Labour in Irish History, James Connolly
