To the shock and dismay of many, rank outside favourite and failed personal trainer, Shannon O Fé llátio scooped the top award at the annual McDonalds-grade-beef-cattle mart that is The Rose of Tralee. The self-confessed drug and sex enthusiast had recently retired from her career as an OnlyFans performer and thought what better time to throw her hat in the ring for the prestigious 63-year-old competition. Here are just some of the highlights from the scutter exchanged with Daithi on stage:
“So tell us about your journey to be with us in Tralee tonight.”
“Well, I’m only on this shite cos, at 22, I was already thrown on the OnlyFansscrap heap. I then decided to launch a career as an ‘Instagram Model’ and that was goin well for a while but I was getting tired of the Middle Eastern oil sheikhs flying me over to Dubai just to shit and piss on me face.
Daithi looks nervously to the stage manager but, to the nervous presenter’s dismay, he gesticulates to continue with the interview.
“Don’t get me wrong, the all-expenses-paid trips to Gucci and Luis Vuitton over dere made it all worthwhile, but I decided I needed a new challenge.”
“And what was that Shannon? Working for a charity?,” asks Daithi sheepishly.
“So I did something completely original then and took a gap year out in Oz. There I worked on a cattle ranch shovelling shit and getting spit-roasted by what I thought was the local Aussie Rules team. I found after a few weeks of this they weren’t the team at all but just the local supporters club who wore the jerseys all the time.”
“It was during this time I developed a healthy addiction to MDMA and crack cocaine and after one particularly lucid post-binge skag I realised I wanted to return to Ireland to study Veterinary.”
A visibly relieved Daithi interjects with his next question:
“Because you love animals, Shannon?”
“Don’t be stupid, so I could have unlimited access to Ketamine and the sweet shop of other animal tranquillisers a vet would have the keys to. I also needed access to enough penicillin to kill a horse after all the STDs I picked up from that Aussie Rules crowd.”
“And swiftly moving along Shannon, what will be your-no doubt awful-party piece be for us tonight?”
“Tonight Daithi, I will recite a poem I wrote about all the things that make us Paddies gas craic altogether. I spent all night Googling the usual cliched crap we all know and love like our national obsession with Tayto crisps, switching off the emersion, going to bed for school after Glenroe, Italia 90, Church sex abuse scandals, Mother and Baby Homes, Industrial Schools, Magdalene Laundries and decades exporting all our women to the UK for abortions.”
Despite a car crash performance, Shannon somehow left victorious with some critics suggesting a conflict of interest between festival sponsors OnlyFans and their corporate sponsorship ties to Shannon. Festival judge Mary Pumpkinhead explained the panel’s verdict:
“Much like the decision to remove the tiara from this year’s competition, we also wanted to demonstrate to powerful, strong and independent women everywhere that even if your life is a complete trainwreck like Shannon’s, riddled with a litany of regrettable decisions, you too can still win an entirely vacuous, archaic, objectifying, superficial competition.”
