After tentatively emerging from 1500 odd years of authoritarian Christian dogma, the town is seemingly ready for yet another lunatic fringe in the form of the Arklow Charlatan Cash Grab Church.
The cult has purchased the St. Mary’s Road Chapel and plan to festoon the premises with hocus-pocus iconography depicting 2000-year-old Chinese whispers.
“We want to scam as many people out of their money as possible,” said Grand Wizard Cleric Minister Con O Malarky . Unfortunately, the Catholics beat us to it here snapping up all the most valuable land and children, but we are already making serious inroads in those areas.”
“The core business model is essentially the same as my Catholic brethren preying on the weak-minded and vulnerable, by selling false promises and dreams in return for cold, hard, and crucially, tax-free cash.”
“Our Cambridge Analytics data told us that Irish Catholics found the traditional Mass experience quite lifeless and boring. So instead, we dress up the same tried and trusted pontificating bullshit in a happy-clappy-praise-the-lawd-hallelujah-amen-Brutha song and dance show.”
“This generates the requisite level of collective joyful hysteria amongst the frenzied mob to empty their wallets. The best part is I tell the suckers they will be rewarded for all their donations in a non-existent fairytale afterlife. Sure weren’t our Lord’s last dying words on the cross ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.’?
“My international millionaire overlords have also blessed our Ponzi scheme and shown their miserly financial support,” Malarky said. “But the majority of the money came from suckers here. We really are shocked and delighted how gullible people still are, especially after all the church scandals over the past few decades. For the price of a few pints a week they get everlasting life in return though.”
A planning application has been made to install gold plated toilets and improve accessibility to fit even more stooges in the chapel from early next year.
Fr Peter File, West Coast rival from St. Mary’s & Peter’s Catholic Church, expressed his cautious optimism about the arrival of a rival tax-evading cult.
“Well, despite premature reports of our demise, we are still the original gangsters in this country. There are enough fools to go around for both our extortion rackets, so, once the Grand Wizard Cleric Minister doesn’t step on my toes, we can swindle in harmony.”
