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Concern has been raised locally regarding the safety of the well-known scallywag, ‘Oranges’ Thompson. The 38-year-old career dole merchant was last seen socialising down the riverbank with a bag of cans last Friday night but hasn’t been seen since. “Well, when Oranges hadn’t shown for his weekly Jobseeker’s Allowance , rent allowance, fuel allowance, dog food allowance, […]

Newly appointed Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag wasted no time in his new role with an audacious attempt on the life of the much-reviled club captain, Harry Maguire. The 29-year-old defender received a bomb threat to his home, and a subsequent search by police revealed enough semtex to put a sizeable dent in Maguire’s

Shock and outrage were expressed locally this week with the news that a caravan of Ukrainian refugees had decided to uproot their lives in their homeland thousands of kilometres away, with the sole purpose of preventing a racquetball night to occur in Arklow. Up until this point, the citizens of Arklow had ostensibly been “standing

Arklow priest, Father Peter File, is reportedly “shitting himself” about the excavation works currently underway adjacent to his church. The world renowned sex-pest whinged from his pulpit recently that his permission wasn’t sought for such road works, citing disruption to the parking arrangements of his parishioners as a reason for necessary consultation with him. But

Conspicuous charity contributor and regular Mass-goer, Jude Kavanagh, single-handedly saved the world last week when she selflessly donated some disgusting food that she couldn’t get rid of to the suffering of Ukraine. Known as the Mother Teresa of Arklow, to absolutely nobody but herself, the rosary-clutching bigot made sure the whole town knew of her

Following the multiple road fatalities, chemical leaks, overturned trucks and vandalised rainbow crossing’s resulting from the recently installed one-way system, Arklow Municipal District Council have commissioned a survey of the social media whinge bags to determine what exactly went wrong. The collated data from the study found one common factor between all the victims, the

United States Secretary of Defense, Llyod Austin, has made the unprecedented announcement to cut all funding and cease operations of the U.S military with immediate effect. The move comes in light of recent events, whereby only a handful of Irish fishermen single-handedly defeated the might of the Russian Navy, thus, preventing an inevitable nuclear holocaust.

In a week that saw everyone from Jedward to the Taoiseach jumping on the grief bandwagon, it came as no surprise everyone’s favorite feminist institution- De Church- wasted no time in kicking that political football harder than an industrial schoolboy. With the blood of countless Irish women and their infants already on the clergy’s hands,

Anguish and dismay were conveyed by locals this week following the shock announcement of the sudden closure of Sallafield. Known as the Haçienda of the South East, the famous artistic and creative hub closed Tuesday last week leaving a sea of tearful, botox-lipped, single mothers nowhere to seek validation from drooling pubescent lads. “Oranges” Thompson

Following this week’s indignation regarding a fifty-year-old song, Mick Jagger has gone back to the drawing board with “The Rolling Stones” smash hit, Br*n S*gar (for security reasons the title is censored.) The move comes following the band’s decision to pull the song from all of their concert playlists, but Jagger insists he has found

Local ne’er-do-wells, miscreants and reprobates celebrated a bumper payday today as a result of the social welfare office water supply becoming contaminated with LSD, street name: Acid. Upon consuming the tainted drink, staff experienced such a level of euphoria that they cancelled all claim reviews whilst also paying out the well-loved Christmas double dole week

After tentatively emerging from 1500 odd years of authoritarian Christian dogma, the town is seemingly ready for yet another lunatic fringe in the form of the Arklow Charlatan Cash Grab Church. The cult has purchased the St. Mary’s Road Chapel and plan to festoon the premises with hocus-pocus iconography depicting 2000-year-old Chinese whispers. “We want

A visiting pelican pecked off more than he could chew this week when he arrived in Arklow after escaping the Pelican Bay State Prison, Del Norte County, California. The feathered fiend had been serving a sentence for multiple public order offences and also shoplifting from a local fishmonger. It isn’t known how the fugitive managed

Local shite activists have expressed dismay at the announcement that Arklow’s wastewater treatment facility has commenced construction. Concerns have arisen from the group, known as F.A.R.T (Fighting Against Restricted Turds), that without the continuous flow of piss, shit and vomit into the river Arklow will lose its coveted title of having the most polluted river

Arklonians breathed a collective sigh of relief at the news that, for a second consecutive year, the Seabreeze Festival will not be returning. Well worn bullshit such as obese cunts devouring burgers, pig raping, and the gyrating skeleton of Dickie Rock will now not be returning to the hallowed main street of Arklow, but not

A vicious melee ensued yesterday outside a popular newsagent on the Wexford Road as rival factions clashed over who was entitled to the last Rolo. Reports indicate that the fracas began when a well-known Rolo dealer purchased the last packet of the much sought after treat, attempting to sell them on to the aggrieved party

Parish Priest, Peter File, is delighted to have made a full recovery from his recent bout of COVID-19. He firmly believes that, just like Christ, it was the man upstairs who resurrected him from the dead, specifically choosing him over all the pensioners who perished in his flock. “Yes, us priests have come in for

With junior infants to second class pupils returning to school this week, self-proclaimed “full-time single mammy” Mary Kinsella was “only fuckin delighted to get the little bastards outta me hair.” With her two infants gone for the day, Mary can finally get back to smoking and texting in her nuggets of social commentary to various

Following the ecstatic response to their #JerusalemaChallenge dance video, Gardai have decided to launch a viral sensation of their own to honour former colleague, Sergeant Maurice McCabe. The valiant whistleblower was relentlessly harassed by his fellow workmates for revealing endemic corruption in the force, in the process being labelled a “cheese-eating rat bastard”. Garda Press

Due to an unprecedented recent spate of knife attacks in the capital, all-time national stabbing champions, Limerick have been unceremoniously dethroned by east coast pretenders, Dublin. During their long, illustrious career, Limerick have accumulated a whopping 20 Stab City titles, a result of “hard graft” and a “rigorous training regime”, according to 12 times Most

Arklow Garda were proud to announce this week ultimate victory in the global war on drugs. The final nail in the coffin was delivered last Wednesday to the evil cartels, with a massive haul of 200 euro worth of Cannabis confiscated. Detective Dan McBoggerson was delighted to “hit the gangsters where it hurts” and was

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has expressed his sheer delight with the timing of the release of the Mother and Baby home report, as the public fury surrounding it has distracted from the coalitions shambolic handling of the vaccination program. In one week, Ireland gained the joint honour of having both the highest COVID-19 infection rates globally

Following high profile criticism of a recent incident involving its armed members, Garda Commissioner Drew Harris has made the unprecedented move in installing 20-year-old Cultural Studies student, Grainne NiMollycoddle, as the new commander-in-chief of the Garda Armed Support Unit. Although completely inexperienced in armed tactical engagement and negotiation, Commissioner Harris assures the public that Ms.

St. Mary’s & Peter’s Catholic Church, Arklow has announced the use of state-of-the-art virtual reality technology to help immerse its parishioners in the Catholic experience. The first of its kind in Ireland, the Holy See hopes this trial will prove successful enough for a global rollout and help provide alternative revenue streams during harsh economic

Self-proclaimed “Bishop Of Banterbury” John Byrne, has expressed his utter despair at the prospect of his yearly Christmas jumper outing being postponed. Well known around the town as a serious “full-time mad bastard”, John was inconsolable upon hearing the government announcement that wet pubs will not be reopening for Christmas, with staff parties also being

Local motor enthusiast, Mark Doyle, is hopeful his “Bring Cruising Back” initiative will revive the once-thriving and legendary boy racer scene of Arklow. Mark can be witnessed driving his Toyota GT Starlet from Hills roundabout to Knockmore roundabout 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The lighting modifications installed on his car (visible from

Unemployed mother of two, Mary Kinsella, expressed her frustration and anger regarding her attempts to secure this seasons much sought after gift for her little angle, Peter, a Playstation 5. Mary has desperately tried to purchase the games console for her son on various online forums but found resellers were seeking grossly inflated prices. “I

Chain-smoking alcoholic pensioner, Jimmy Kinsella, has made the shock announcement not to take the forthcoming COVID-19 vaccine. In a carefully worded press release delivered from his resident bar stool, the 66-year-old armchair immunologist stated that he firmly believes the vaccine was “rushed and untested”. The reasoning for this is only to profit the “Deep State”