A vicious melee ensued yesterday outside a popular newsagent on the Wexford Road as rival factions clashed over who was entitled to the last Rolo.
Reports indicate that the fracas began when a well-known Rolo dealer purchased the last packet of the much sought after treat, attempting to sell them on to the aggrieved party at a much higher value. When an argument ensued over who should have the last Rolo, tensions reached boiling point.
An attempt at mediation was made by the Garda Emergency Response Unit but weapons on both sides were soon produced leading to one victim’s head being sliced open. As the last Rolo wasn’t recovered from the scene, the incident has been referred to G.S.O.C.
Gardai have released the above image of the suspects on the condition that it is pixelated in order to preserve their impeccable reputations.
“These innocent souls are mere victims of a cruel and barbaric society, one where Rolos are not a right but a privilege for a select few. Violence should never be the answer in their search for that delicious confectionary, but one cannot expect them to take personal responsibility as their misdeeds are always somebody else’s fault”, stated Detective Dan McBoggerson.
“The citizens of Arklow bear collective guilt in facilitating such an unforgiving world and, thus, the direct responsibility of such wanton violence on our streets. Addiction and the race to the bottom for Rolos is now a real societal issue that everyone must grasp the nettle of.”
“Everyone, regardless of socio-economic background, ethnicity, creed, gender or sexuality, is entitled to the last Rolo and, as a member of An Garda Siochana, I will strive to preserve this birthright for all.”
