“No tempest or conflagration, however great, is harder to quell than mob carried away by the novelty of power.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero
Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!A pall of mistrust and suspicion – reminiscent of John Carpenter’s The Thing – was palpable around Arklow metropolis this week as tempers ran high between various pro and anti-immigration groups regarding the future of the derelict Eir depot. Deep community wounds not inflicted since Roy Keane in Saipan, or even the still contentious winner of the Seabreeze Festival Guinness Guy competition 1999, have threatened to split families and fakebook friends right down the middle.
Arklow ‘Says No’ ( a failed coup d’état reported resulting in factions such as I Used To Be Arklow ‘Says No’ Once, A Long, Long Time Ago and many others too numerous to mention here) Arklow Says ‘Yes’, Arklow Says ‘Definitely Maybe’, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Arklow ‘Says No’, Arklow ‘Not Sure’ But Get Back To Me Tomorrow, Arklow Fuck Off And Mind Your Own Business, Arkla, Arkla, Arkla, Co. Wicklowwwwwwwwwwwww…, were at each other’s throats all week online as enemy combatants were blocked, unblocked, then blocked again even blanked at Mass as, for once, toxic masculinity took a back to searing gynocentric rage. As J. W Rinzler stated in The Making of Aliens, a “catfight between enraged mothers” not seen since the final duel between Ripley and the Alien Queen.
A flustered Councillor Billy Fitzbollocks remarked that the vitriol regarding an inanimate, concrete and derelict structure was “ entirely justified” as this building has always been “ incredibly sacred to the townspeople of Arklow.”
“During the War of Independence, it was used to store Telecom Eireann Callcards, which were then sold on the black market to fund the struggle against our colonial oppressors. The building was then destroyed in fierce shelling during the Civil War but, thankfully, was rebuilt as what we now know as the “Eir Depot”, in memory of the fledgling Saorstát Eireann. Indeed, Celtic Revivalist poet William Butler Yeats wrote a famous poem about it, ‘I Would Roll in My Fuckin Grave if Even One Brown Person Moves Into My Beloved Eir Depot.’
So, as you can see, this beautiful example of brutalist architecture is integral to our national identity, both nationally and locally, and must be preserved for future generations , or else, I fear, that the very fabric of Irish society would collapse. I just hope when the dust settles after all this, locals can go back to doing what we do best which is bickering over normal shite like football, cheating partners and colleagues we fuckin detest.
If we do not emerge victorious in repelling the foreign invaders then I have already suggested to my fellow Cunty Council members that we should execute Operation Viking and nuke Arklow from orbit, as it’s the only way to be sure no immigrants can never, never, never enter the gates of Arklow Citadel.
“‘It became necessary to destroy the town to save it,’ a United States major referring to the Battle of Bến Tre: in the Vietnam War.
In a show of solidarity with my electorate, and in the vain hope of resuing my faltering local election campaign, I’ve burnt my own house to the ground to prove, beyond doubt, it will never be used as an IPAS centre. I implore all my constituents to do the same and raze this town to the ground! 1798 was a site of resistance against those pesky Brits, and there is no reason we can’t repeat these heroic events again.
We missed a golden opportunity keeping those single, unvetted, military-aged Vikings out all those years ago and we all know that rapes and muggings increased by 120000% soon after their arrival. If elected, I promise that our “comely maidens dancing at the crossroads” will not be molested again! Vote No. 1 Billy Fitzbollocks and lets make Arklow medieval again!
Arklow circa last week-before the immigrants destroyed our national identity
Self-styled “activated Lone Wolf” Taebag Diggins can’t guarantee he can be reigned in if things do “get out of control.”
“I hope they brought a good supply of body bags cos I’ll be up dere every night until de basterds are gone. None of de local hate groups can be trusted and I’ve been smoking far too much weed. Globalist Communist infiltrators and CIA PsyOps have finally come to Arklow, using Billy Fitzbollocks as nothing but a pawn for dere globalist agenda in making us all fuckin gaaaaaay!
Fitzbollocks is nothing but a crisis actor employed by the NSA to destabilise the European project and draw the bloc into an unwinnable war. Arklow was always going to be the staging point for an invasion by Klaus Schwab forces due to the town’s Norse history and Hitler’s deep admiration for Scandinavian culture and traditions. I plan to sabotage any potential peace talks between Arklow Says No and the Cunty Council until my operation is completed.
As the de facto Catholic spiritual leader of the town, the silence from Father File has been deafening during such turmoil, with the clerical cunt declining to comment publicly until now. In an Arklow Crimes exclusive, we can reveal his uncensored thoughts on this Holy War.
“Going back to the Crusades, the church has always been consistently anti-Islam and I’m actually relishing the renewal in hostilities here in Arklow. Nothing energises, mobilises and engages the most bigoted-Christo-fascist-traditionally conservative core of my flock like some good old hatred of ‘others’ – with one particular Westboro Baptist Church-style Arklow family reserving a special mention in my prayers.
Much like a patient barman tolerating the regular drunken barfly, I can absorb their torrents of bile whilst extracting maximum financial donations from them. Sure the parish is always fuckin broke!
Listen, I hate Muslims as much as the next Catholic priest, but the church is also a business and I’ve been instructed from up above- not God, mind you, but the Archbishop- to also go woke or go broke upon his Grace’s orders. As a leader of ever-declining religion here, I have to employ all my political and hypocritical nouse in playing both sides of the debate. I’m under serious pressure from the Archdiocese marketing department to get more young bums on church seats and I don’t mean the altar boys yahooooo! I decided after consultation with our Tiktok PR guru to play the long game and best just see how this one plays out, running with the hounds and the foxes as usual and then siding with whoever emerges victorious.”
Single, unvetted, military-aged, on-again, off-again heroin addict and methadone shot champion MattTalbot from Darndale, is just “relieved” that the hysterically unfounded spectre of “foreign criminals” coming to Arklow has taken “serious heat” off him.
“Like, when everyone was only losing dere fukin minds on the socials about dese IPODS cumin to Arkla, I went on a robbing spree, breaking into cars, threatening shopowners with me trusty syringe and rubber gun. I even raped a cat with a crucifix, just to let the town at least know they were dealing with a Christian and could leave their doors unlocked at night.
It was like all me bleedin Christmases had come at once cos de stupid fukers down here don’t see mind Im not even from here and bein a menace to society once I’m baptised and me skin colour is whiter dan white and it surely is from years on de smack boi! I even joined de protest one night cos I was promised a lovely frankfurter in a brioche bun but they had run out of dem. Fuk my life!”
“Change is the only constant in life.” – Heraclitus
