I had dropped more or less by chance into the only community of any size in Western Europe where political consciousness and disbelief in capitalism were more normal than their opposites.
Homage to Catalonia, George Orwell
A booze-fuelled occasion for locals and visitors alike, the Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade draws absolutely nobody from all over the country with its hostile and violent atmosphere. A time of year when Plastic Paddies around the globe celebrate an entirely Yankee artifice (the first recorded parade observed in Florida, U.S. 1601) as they sup a pint of staunch Unionist Sir Arthur Guinness’s famous porter.
Local thieves, thugs, rapists, prostitutes, reprobates and more take part in the pitiful event, with drunkards gathering along the parade route to vomit on the drab, bland and pathetic parade.
Organisers and committee members have spent fuck all again this year to create a dystopian and dangerous atmosphere in this grim town. The grand marshalls this year will be an exceptionally jaundiced and stoned Oranges Thompson, sporting a necklace of freshly stolen smartphones and his battered and bruised wife, Nancy.
Start Time and Route
The Arklow St Patrick’s Day parade will take place at 2 p.m. starting from the pub and will travel to the next pub, then up to another pub, where a puking trough will be erected.
Getting There
You can get a Garda paddy wagon from Bray to Arklow in approximately 40 minutes or less than 30 minutes if you shit yourself en route. The drunk cell is about a five-minute walk to the town centre.
Wexford and Bus Eireann buses run to Arklow every hour to two hours, but do note that these are usually packed with junkie bastards drinking, smoking weed and shooting up.
Floats to Watch Out for
Blueshirt Float
To acknowledge the rise of the far right in recent times, festival organisers have, employed a fascist float detailing the origins of the movement in Ireland. Sponsored by the Fine Gael party, this latest addition will demonstrate their Blueshirt party founders proudly Nazi-saluting white chocolates to the baying mob.
Hard-pressed, hand-to-mouth families should pay particular attention to the float of the recently elected poster boy of Celtic Tiger excess, Brian Brennan. It is anticipated he will, just like another infamous clown prince, dispense ten million euros on the crowd.
“Sure, it’s only money, zeros out of thin air on a computer screen and just a little thank you for voting me in. Don’t mention it at all and there’s plenty more about where that came from! I’ve been reading a lot about Eastern philosophy of late and as Ghandi once said: “The Earth has enough for everyone’s need but not for everyone’s greed.” I also dropped a massive amount of magnificent Liberty Caps recently, plucked from the foothills of the large colonial-era fiefdoms that fund the Fine Gael party!
While frolicking through these meadows naked, it was then I immersed myself in the works of Noam Chomsky, particularly Anarchism. A combination of this literature and powerful psychedelics made me realise that all living matter is connected on this earth and that for every ten million debt I had written off, countless other unseen and unheard poor sods killed themselves over mortgage arrears for far lesser amounts.”
“Do you not know that a multitude of your brethren die or suffer from need of what you have in excess and that you needed express and unanimous consent of the human race to appropriate for yourself anything from common subsistence that exceeded your own?”
Discourse on Inequality, Jean-Jacques Rousseau
“I am now announcing my departure from the party and becoming a socialist anarchist myself. What better trojan horse to subvert the whole rotten system against itself than me? I will prove this by firstly publicly voting against myself in the next election, followed by a self-immolation ceremony outside the courthouse, which promises to be a great family day out. This decision was not taken lightly but as the great Chomsky so eloquently stated: Anarchism, then, is a corner backed into rather than a conscious choice—an apophatic last resort, and a fruitful one.”
Behind the Blueshirt trail of tears, there will be a giant old sow that eats its farrow and a depiction of the Children of Lir representing yet another lost generation of the town’s youth who have been forced abroad in a blood sacrifice to prop up the establishment status quo.
The acclaimed Massey Fergusons and Scanias always put on a great show and inspire terror in spectators as they plough into innocent civilians along the route. Keep an eye out for murder technique tutorials from the Shelton Abbey Prison Lifers and members of the fearsome Templerainey Hells Angels.
What Else is on?
After the parade, why not stop into the revolting License to Grill chip van on Arklow Main Street for some life-threatening food poisoning. The infamous establishment was recently nominated in seven different enforcement order categories at the upcoming Food Safety Authority of Ireland Awards, but will not be offering refunds on the day, or ever for that matter.
Anarchy as a social philosophy has never meant “chaos”—in fact, anarchists have typically believed in a highly organized society, just one that’s organized democratically from below.
A true social revolution requires a “spiritual transformation in the masses degraded by centuries of bourgeois class rule.
Anarchism, Noam Chomsky
