St. Mary’s & Peter’s Catholic Church, Arklow has announced the use of state-of-the-art virtual reality technology to help immerse its parishioners in the Catholic experience.
The first of its kind in Ireland, the Holy See hopes this trial will prove successful enough for a global rollout and help provide alternative revenue streams during harsh economic times for the Church. Interested parishioners can hire the necessary equipment from parish priest Father Peter File, who I interviewed earlier in the week to discuss the parish’s technological revolution.
“We hope by adopting this high-tech gear that it will especially attract the more tech-savvy and consumer-driven of our flock. Since restrictions on physical attendances have begun, the inter-parish Livestream market has become quite competitive.
“After a promising start, we found we were losing significant market share to a rival parish who used an impressive LED light show to recreate Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection. This spectacular event really forced other parishes to up their game and so to level the playing field, I reached out to my contacts in the Vatican where I was able to secure funding for the virtual reality headsets.”
“I feel what makes our service unique is my brainchild of simulated confessions. Here the user can feel like they are actually inside the confessional box, being chastised by their favourite priest. We 3D laser scanned the interior of the box to recreate that authentic claustrophobic experience.
“Voice recordings of all our serving priests include the majority of standard responses, which activate depending on the user’s dialogue. Through his or her headset, the user can select his or her favourite priest before they begin their confession, or if they are feeling adventurous a random shuffle mode is available.”
“Depending on how guilty the confessed feels a sliding scale of penance severity can be adjusted on-screen, beginning with ten Hail Mary’s for minor sins and up to and including digital flagellation for excessive immorality. The lashing accessory can be hired separately at a small additional cost.”
Clearly enthused about these technological advancements, I asked Fr. File how his colleagues felt about these changes. “They love it,” he cheerfully responded. “Many of our clerics are from the good old days and often recall to me how they miss reducing parishioners to tears during confessionals. It fills a gap in their twilight years now and sessions are recorded for repeat listening’s, which is useful for exceptionally salacious divulgences.”
I asked Fr. File if he was concerned about potential G.D.P.R breaches regarding this, but he assured me that parishioners sign the relevant paperwork to allow for the infinite retention of such “sacristan data.”
“We have always made things up as we go anyway, sure didn’t our Holy Father order his faithful to kill all cats in the 13th century,” he heartily retorted.
“We are currently developing a feature for the V.R helmet whereby the sacrament of Holy Communion can be physically received without even having to step inside a church. A small dissolvable vile of the host is placed inside the user’s mouth and as the priest virtually brings the eucharist towards him or her, the vile automatically activates and expands with the saliva, inducing the very flavour of our Lord’s flesh and blood. I must add this is only very early in beta testing so I can’t comment on when it will be available for general release.”
I query Fr. File on if members of the faithful might feel this would be in any way denigrating the sanctity of the sacrament, to which he responded that “our Lord works in mysterious ways and he in the highest knows we are struggling financially at this moment without the collection plate. Anything that keeps us open for business is surely part of his divine plan.” Fr. File stated that customers getting started pay a “reasonable” deposit charge and additional “competitively priced” pay per view package. When five-weekday masses are viewed, premium weekend events will be activated free of charge. “The weekend masses are our main event if you will, so including these gratis is more than generous.”
