Local anti-rape activist John Crozier has this week made a startling reversal of his traditionally entrenched ideological position on rape. The self-confessed white knight had, up until now, been quite vocal online about his total abhorrence regarding all types of sexual assault, with passions coming to a head (pun intended) during a recent social media outburst targeted at a notorious shit-stirring pro-rape rights activist.
“Well, see, I was online arguing with cunts I don’t even know about trivial nonsense, as I usually do after a Sunday roast when I saw somebody joking about rape. I still can’t grasp that social media isn’t real, so I jumped right and challenged the satirical post on a satirical page. I soon realised though that all the other followers of the site were also sick bastards when they didn’t give the desired avalanche of support in the form of heart emojis on my comment. Under me other half’s sound advice, I went for a long walk to cool off about my fake argument in hyperreal cyberspace with this faceless and despicable pro-rape rights activist.
As I was walking up Main St, pondering the existential and metaphysical quandaries of existence, I spotted a mime artist performing outside the church. He seemed to have drawn quite the crowd, with everyone laughing and jiving uproariously to his act. Upon closer inspection, I soon realised this wasn’t the usual shite mime artistry of merely pretending to be trapped in a box. In fact, whilst the mime artist was trapped in the imaginary box, he was also simultaneously being brutally gang raped, with every orifice of his frail body violated with multiple invisible cocks, fists, feet and even heads! Each unwanted thrust into mime’s pert posterior drew Oscar-worthy tears from the performer, which forced his white make-up to run like torrents of milk.
As a prominent anti-rape activist in the local community, I knew I should have immediately expressed my condemnation of this public act in the strongest possible terms. But with the madness of crowds and everyone else seeming to enjoy proceedings, I actually couldn’t stop laughing sadistically at the poor unfortunate gang-raped mime meself, even going so far as to encourage the invisible and imaginary sex pests to inflict further imaginary suffering on our intrepid mime.
When I finally arrived home I could barely contain my newfound frisson and lust for rape, but my insatiable thirst for more sexual violence could not be satisfied, even with multiple viewings of A Clockwork Orange, The Accused and Deliverance watched backside to backside in an orgy of spectacular ultra-violent rape and debauchery. I’ll continue to publicly denounce rape whilst clutching me Rosary Beads kneeling at the altar of sin, attending Communions and Confirmations and donating cash to an institution which did actually bugger and torture thousands of children globally but, for the love of God, just don’t joke about rape online!”
