The Blueshirts, as Fine Gael were known, in reference to the uniforms worn by an army association linked to them, were the party of the self-regarding cohort in Irish society who believed in their inalienable right to govern, the party of big farmers, the merchant class, fat-cat barristers and others in the professional middle class.Thank… Read more: If you tolerate these then your children will be next:Why parents should vote FF and FG out

The man who invests his savings in a concern that goes bankrupt is therefore injuring others as well as himself. If he spent his money, say, in giving parties for his friends, they (we may hope) would get pleasure, and so would all those upon whom he spent money, such as the butcher, the baker,… Read more: Publicans and drug dealers brace for the whirlwind of a double dole bonanza

“I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.”Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! A Modest Proposal: For preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from… Read more: Taoiseach launches ‘Poison a Pensioner’ scheme in Bridgewater, Arklow

With authorities seizing a large quantity of cocaine in the region this week (estimated street value 24 trillion), publicans have reported an immediate drop in the size of cubicle toilet queues. Though many idiots have suggested these congregations at 2am on a Sunday morning could be attributed to nothing more than a dodgy pint of… Read more: Toilet queues half upon the latest coke seizure

Local anti-rape activist John Crozier has this week made a startling reversal of his traditionally entrenched ideological position on rape. The self-confessed white knight had, up until now, been quite vocal online about his total abhorrence regarding all types of sexual assault, with passions coming to a head (pun intended) during a recent social media… Read more: Anti-rape activist enjoys mime gang rape act

Not even two months have passed since the white smoke emerged from Arklow Municipal District offices signifying that a fresh troop of Homo sapiens have been elected to the Grand Council of Apes. The cynical youth-who are clearly illiterate about such political matters-could be forgiven for thinking that absolutely fuck all will change. The bloodsucking… Read more: Cllr Fitzbollocks celebrates recent local election victory

“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma GoldmanThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! “If the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it. Politicians, counsellors, ordinary voters! – Yes, Prime Minister It’s auction politics season again and the Fine in Failure… Read more: English landlord 2.0 Fitzbollocks relishing election challenge

Patrons of TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ were left reeling with the news this week that the locally renowned eatery suffered a dawn raid at the hands of the Criminal Assets Bureau.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Rumours have always persisted about the apparent overnight success of the signature TURNIP TAPAS™ establishment, with… Read more: Town devastated as TIMMY’S TURNIP TAPAS™ shut in CAB raid

“No tempest or conflagration, however great, is harder to quell than mob carried away by the novelty of power.” — Marcus Tullius CiceroThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! A pall of mistrust and suspicion – reminiscent of John Carpenter’s The Thing – was palpable around Arklow metropolis this week as tempers ran high… Read more: Battle for the ‘Soul of Arklow’ reaches tipping point

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” – Malcolm XThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Local “concerned residents” were rejoicing this week at the news that the bastion of white purity that is… Read more: Compromise with “concerned locals” reached as Wetherspoons Pub to be installed at refugee centre

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich NietzscheThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! With the norovirus tearing the absolute ringpiece out of the citizens of Arklow, local… Read more: “We are shitting way beyond our means!” Council declares a state of emergency as norovirus takes hold

“Never let a good crisis go to waste.” – Winston ChurchillThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Local representatives, faceless and entirely unaccountable Wicklow Cunty Council executives, project managers/consultants/engineers/subcontractors this week proudly unveiled the “Taste of Ukraine” experience to the refugees of the war-torn nation living here. The concept behind the project… Read more: Wicklow Cunty Council announce “Taste of Ukraine” experience

“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” -Yuval Noah HarariThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! This week, Father File was proud to announce that the Fr. Brendan Smyth Sin Absolution campaign reached a 15,000 Euro milestone, with some… Read more: Fr Brendan Smyth ‘Sin Absolution’ campaign reaches milestone

“The Irish were invading our towns with their ‘uncleanly and negligent habits’. They brought with them ‘filth, neglect, confusion, discomfort and insalubrity.” – Royal Commission 1836Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! “Ireland is pouring into the cities and even into the villages,’ cried a Times leader in 1847, a fetid mass… Read more: Plans approved for Emoclew Road Mosque

“The fellow members of even the smallest nation will never know most of their fellow members, meet them, or even hear of them, yet in the minds of each lives the image of the communion…Communities are to be distinguished, not by their falsity or genuineness, but in the style in which they are imagined.”-Benedict AndersonThank… Read more: Anarchy as ‘Wexlow’ constituency announced

“You can fool all of the people some of the time; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.” – Abraham LincolnThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! So after another night on the whiskey, poppers and mushrooms, I… Read more: An Idiot’s Guide to Becoming an ‘Award Winning Film Director

I am excited to announce that “A ChatGPT Guide to Becoming an Award-Winning Film Director” is coming soon. The article has been delayed until this point as the staff writer involved has died under mysterious circumstances. To whet your appetites until then, here is the incredible short script I was able to create with the… Read more: ChatGPT generated “A Kitten’s Battle” already in Oscar contention

“The Catholic Church owns €3.743bn of land and property in the State.” -Emma Gilleece, Village MagazineThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Infamous child-trafficking, paedophilic, racketeering and tax-evading cult, the Catholic Church, are being investigated by An Garda Síochána, The Criminal Assets Bureau, Europol and Interpol regarding a cunning scam to defraud the… Read more: International crime syndicate wanted for ‘elder fraud’ scam

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” -Some ArseholeThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or doxxing in Internet slang, a male tutor, in his late 30’s, in Inch was found dead with a pink dildo shoved up his arse. Whilst this is nothing unusual… Read more: Suspected Inch dildo murder leaves detectives baffled

A booze-fuelled occasion for locals and visitors alike, the Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade draws absolutely nobody from all over the country with its hostile and violent atmosphere. A time of year when Plastic Paddies around the globe celebrate an entirely Yankee artifice (the first recorded parade observed in Florida, U.S. 1601) as they sup… Read more: Arklow St Patrick’s Day Parade 2023: All you wish you didn’t know

”Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city.” – Oscar WildeThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! It’s that time of year again when wannabe toffs and aspirational bourgeoises crawl out from under their black rocks to profess their undying love for Private school… Read more: Football fans relegated as Shit Nations rugby commences

An angry pitchfork mob assembled at the newly refurbished parade grounds last Tuesday, as enraged locals protested the housing of an unvetted single adult male in the adjacent church grounds . Although the resident is not believed to be of fighting age, he is still considered a threat to the wider public, with children considered… Read more: Protest at housing of unvetted single adult male

Huge swathes of people spend their days performing tasks they secretly believe do not really need to be performed. It’s as if someone were out there making up pointless jobs for the sake of keeping us all working. The moral and spiritual damage that comes from this situation is profound. It is a scar across… Read more: Multinational company man still boring the tits off pub- goers

With the ongoing events in Ukraine resulting in higher energy costs for all, growing numbers of citizens are struggling to commit suicide by gas. No country is feeling the pinch more than Ireland, with a proud tradition of Catholic guilt-self-deletion tracing back centuries. One such victim of this suicide poverty is soulless civil servant, Eoin… Read more: Soaring energy costs lead to a decline in gas oven suicides

The town of Arklow was left reeling yesterday with the news that its much loved, and longest serving, junkie, HM King Scumbag II, had passed away as peacefully as a bout of opioid-induced constipation. The Royal syringe flew half mast over Fuckingham Palace as news of the death filtered to the king’s inconsolable victims.Thank you… Read more: Town in mourning following royal death

Multiple Arklow Crimes person of the year, and resident lickspittle to the white-collars of Bodily Fluids Glen golf club, Narcissus Boil, this week descended from his ivory tower to launch a Gofundme campaign for his son’s terminal condition, Humility Syndrome.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Insufferable braggart, Boil, informs me that he is… Read more: Golf club bore launches Gofundme for son’s illness

To the shock and dismay of many, rank outside favourite and failed personal trainer, Shannon O Fé llátio scooped the top award at the annual McDonalds-grade-beef-cattle mart that is The Rose of Tralee. The self-confessed drug and sex enthusiast had recently retired from her career as an OnlyFans performer and thought what better time to throw… Read more: Drug fiend nymphomaniac crowned Rose of Tralee

Eleventh-hour negotiations between demonstrators and the council concluded late last Monday night on how the much-beloved Pig Race could be rescued from the dustbin of history. Fianna Fail stooge Billy Fitzbollicks announced, whilst munching heartedly on a rasher butty, that the pig Race would now morph into the Sausage Race.Thank you for reading this post,… Read more: Pig Race replaced with Sausage Race

Fresh from defeating the marauding Ukranian hordes at the Battle of LCFSC (Leisure Centre Financial Services Centre), local religious extremist Jude Kavanagh has now refocused her efforts on what she excels at by terrorising other vulnerable social groups in town. Minimum wage staff everywhere have returned to cold sweat-induced sleepless nights at the thought of… Read more: “Menopausal Menace” relishing destroying minimum wage staff again

Citizens of Arklow were dealt a hammer blow this week with news of the untimely death of notorious pervert, Jimmy O Feely. The sexual deviant was often seen stalking the environs of seaside Arklow at night, sporting the latest in erotic women’s lingerie. It was here he provided the important civic duty of supervising the… Read more: Arklow mourns the loss of a beloved sex pest

Concern has been raised locally regarding the safety of the well-known scallywag, ‘Oranges’ Thompson. The 38-year-old career dole merchant was last seen socialising down the riverbank with a bag of cans last Friday night but hasn’t been seen since.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! “Well, when Oranges hadn’t shown for his… Read more: ‘Oranges’ Thompson feared dead after missing dole collection

Newly appointed Manchester United manager Erik Ten Hag wasted no time in his new role with an audacious attempt on the life of the much-reviled club captain, Harry Maguire. Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! The 29-year-old defender received a bomb threat to his home, and a subsequent search by police… Read more: Ten Hag begins work immediately with Maguire bomb plot

Shock and outrage were expressed locally this week with the news that a caravan of Ukrainian refugees had decided to uproot their lives in their homeland thousands of kilometres away, with the sole purpose of preventing a racquetball night to occur in Arklow. Up until this point, the citizens of Arklow had ostensibly been “standing… Read more: Ukrainian refugees travel 3,183.6 km to prevent Arklow racquetball game.

Arklow priest, Father Peter File, is reportedly “shitting himself” about the excavation works currently underway adjacent to his church. The world renowned sex-pest whinged from his pulpit recently that his permission wasn’t sought for such road works, citing disruption to the parking arrangements of his parishioners as a reason for necessary consultation with him. But… Read more: Parish priest ‘absolutely shitting it’ about what nearby road works may uncover

Conspicuous charity contributor and regular Mass-goer, Jude Kavanagh, single-handedly saved the world last week when she selflessly donated some disgusting food that she couldn’t get rid of to the suffering of Ukraine. Known as the Mother Teresa of Arklow, to absolutely nobody but herself, the rosary-clutching bigot made sure the whole town knew of her… Read more: Pious virtue signaller inflicts unlucky dip on Ukraine

Following the multiple road fatalities, chemical leaks, overturned trucks and vandalised rainbow crossing’s resulting from the recently installed one-way system, Arklow Municipal District Council have commissioned a survey of the social media whinge bags to determine what exactly went wrong. The collated data from the study found one common factor between all the victims, the… Read more: Nine out of ten locals fail basic road sign exam

United States Secretary of Defense, Llyod Austin, has made the unprecedented announcement to cut all funding and cease operations of the U.S military with immediate effect. The move comes in light of recent events, whereby only a handful of Irish fishermen single-handedly defeated the might of the Russian Navy, thus, preventing an inevitable nuclear holocaust.… Read more: U.S military to be replaced with Irish fishermen

In a week that saw everyone from Jedward to the Taoiseach jumping on the grief bandwagon, it came as no surprise everyone’s favorite feminist institution- De Church- wasted no time in kicking that political football harder than an industrial schoolboy.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! With the blood of countless Irish… Read more: Church promise to be back hating women by next week.

Anguish and dismay were conveyed by locals this week following the shock announcement of the sudden closure of Sallafield. Known as the Haçienda of the South East, the famous artistic and creative hub closed Tuesday last week leaving a sea of tearful, botox-lipped, single mothers nowhere to seek validation from drooling pubescent lads.Thank you for… Read more: Shock as Sallafield in Arklow closes its doors

Following this week’s indignation regarding a fifty-year-old song, Mick Jagger has gone back to the drawing board with “The Rolling Stones” smash hit, Br*n S*gar (for security reasons the title is censored.) The move comes following the band’s decision to pull the song from all of their concert playlists, but Jagger insists he has found… Read more: Jagger to write a politically correct version of Br*wn S*gar

Local ne’er-do-wells, miscreants and reprobates celebrated a bumper payday today as a result of the social welfare office water supply becoming contaminated with LSD, street name: Acid. Upon consuming the tainted drink, staff experienced such a level of euphoria that they cancelled all claim reviews whilst also paying out the well-loved Christmas double dole week… Read more: Locals rejoice after dole office water supply is contaminated with LSD

After tentatively emerging from 1500 odd years of authoritarian Christian dogma, the town is seemingly ready for yet another lunatic fringe in the form of the Arklow Charlatan Cash Grab Church.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! The cult has purchased the St. Mary’s Road Chapel and plan to festoon the premises… Read more: Arklow welcomes latest tax dodging cult

A visiting pelican pecked off more than he could chew this week when he arrived in Arklow after escaping the Pelican Bay State Prison, Del Norte County, California. The feathered fiend had been serving a sentence for multiple public order offences and also shoplifting from a local fishmonger. It isn’t known how the fugitive managed… Read more: Pelican begs for return to captivity after harrowing Arklow experience

Local shite activists have expressed dismay at the announcement that Arklow’s wastewater treatment facility has commenced construction.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Concerns have arisen from the group, known as F.A.R.T (Fighting Against Restricted Turds), that without the continuous flow of piss, shit and vomit into the river Arklow will lose… Read more: Fears for loss of local landmark with confirmation of scutter treatment facility

Arklonians breathed a collective sigh of relief at the news that, for a second consecutive year, the Seabreeze Festival will not be returning. Well worn bullshit such as obese cunts devouring burgers, pig raping, and the gyrating skeleton of Dickie Rock will now not be returning to the hallowed main street of Arklow, but not… Read more: Locals express joy as Seabreeze Festival cancelled again

“There are two kinds of fascists: fascists and anti-fascists.”— Ennio FlaianoThank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Locals woke up to an unusual sight last Monday morning, where they found the statue of 1798 leader Father Murphy dressed in the vivid colours of the LGBTQIXYWZFGTR+++—-~~~###@@@@/.com community. This latest colourful addition to the… Read more: Rainbow themed Fr. Murphy statue unveiled as part of Pride festivities

With public monies to be squandered before the next fiscal year, Arklow Talking Shop Team officially launched “Drink and Drug in Arkla”, a new tourism brand for Arklow.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! The party atmosphere was palpable, with complimentary booze and yolks available to all at St. Marys Park on… Read more: New Tourism Brand for Arklow as “Drink and Drug in Arkla” is launched

A vicious melee ensued yesterday outside a popular newsagent on the Wexford Road as rival factions clashed over who was entitled to the last Rolo.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Reports indicate that the fracas began when a well-known Rolo dealer purchased the last packet of the much sought after treat,… Read more: Battle over last Rolo leads to Wexford Road bloodbath

Parish Priest, Peter File, is delighted to have made a full recovery from his recent bout of COVID-19. He firmly believes that, just like Christ, it was the man upstairs who resurrected him from the dead, specifically choosing him over all the pensioners who perished in his flock.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget… Read more: Priest Thankful God Spared Him Whilst Killing All His Parishioners

Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! With junior infants to second class pupils returning to school this week, self-proclaimed “full-time single mammy” Mary Kinsella was “only fuckin delighted to get the little bastards outta me hair.” With her two infants gone for the day, Mary can finally get back to smoking… Read more: Full-Time Single Mammy Happy To Go Back To Part-Time This Week

Following the ecstatic response to their #JerusalemaChallenge dance video, Gardai have decided to launch a viral sensation of their own to honour former colleague, Sergeant Maurice McCabe. The valiant whistleblower was relentlessly harassed by his fellow workmates for revealing endemic corruption in the force, in the process being labelled a “cheese-eating rat bastard”. Garda Press… Read more: Gardai Release Hilarious Boomtown Rat Themed Dance Video In Tribute To Maurice McCabe

Due to an unprecedented recent spate of knife attacks in the capital, all-time national stabbing champions, Limerick have been unceremoniously dethroned by east coast pretenders, Dublin. During their long, illustrious career, Limerick have accumulated a whopping 20 Stab City titles, a result of “hard graft” and a “rigorous training regime”, according to 12 times Most… Read more: Limerick Natives Devastated Upon Losing “Stab City” Title To Arch Rivals Dublin

Arklow Garda were proud to announce this week ultimate victory in the global war on drugs. The final nail in the coffin was delivered last Wednesday to the evil cartels, with a massive haul of 200 euro worth of Cannabis confiscated. Detective Dan McBoggerson was delighted to “hit the gangsters where it hurts” and was… Read more: Garda Finally Win The War On Drugs With 200 Euro Cannabis Seizure

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has expressed his sheer delight with the timing of the release of the Mother and Baby home report, as the public fury surrounding it has distracted from the coalitions shambolic handling of the vaccination program.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! In one week, Ireland gained the joint honour… Read more: Government Quite Happy To Focus On Past Sins To Distract From Current Calamities

Following high profile criticism of a recent incident involving its armed members, Garda Commissioner Drew Harris has made the unprecedented move in installing 20-year-old Cultural Studies student, Grainne NiMollycoddle, as the new commander-in-chief of the Garda Armed Support Unit. Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! Although completely inexperienced in armed tactical… Read more: Garda Commissioner Announces Cultural Studies Student As New Armed Support Unit Commander

St. Mary’s & Peter’s Catholic Church, Arklow has announced the use of state-of-the-art virtual reality technology to help immerse its parishioners in the Catholic experience. Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! The first of its kind in Ireland, the Holy See hopes this trial will prove successful enough for a global… Read more: Arklow Parish Announces Virtual Reality Services

Self-proclaimed “Bishop Of Banterbury” John Byrne, has expressed his utter despair at the prospect of his yearly Christmas jumper outing being postponed. Well known around the town as a serious “full-time mad bastard”, John was inconsolable upon hearing the government announcement that wet pubs will not be reopening for Christmas, with staff parties also being… Read more: Tosser distraught he can’t wear his hilarious Xmas jumper

Local motor enthusiast, Mark Doyle, is hopeful his “Bring Cruising Back” initiative will revive the once-thriving and legendary boy racer scene of Arklow. Mark can be witnessed driving his Toyota GT Starlet from Hills roundabout to Knockmore roundabout 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The lighting modifications installed on his car (visible from… Read more: Boy Racer Perishes In Bold Attempt To Bring Glory Days Back

Unemployed mother of two, Mary Kinsella, expressed her frustration and anger regarding her attempts to secure this seasons much sought after gift for her little angle, Peter, a Playstation 5. Mary has desperately tried to purchase the games console for her son on various online forums but found resellers were seeking grossly inflated prices.Thank you… Read more: Mother gets nto festive spirit by wishing painful death on Playstation scalpers

Chain-smoking alcoholic pensioner, Jimmy Kinsella, has made the shock announcement not to take the forthcoming COVID-19 vaccine. In a carefully worded press release delivered from his resident bar stool, the 66-year-old armchair immunologist stated that he firmly believes the vaccine was “rushed and untested”. The reasoning for this is only to profit the “Deep State”… Read more: Bar fly announces decision not to take vaccine

With the celebration of Jesus’s entry into the world just around the corner, St. Mary’s & Peter’s Church have decided what better time to also remember those infants who so brutally departed this realm, the Tuam babies.Thank you for reading this post, don’t forget to subscribe! To mark the occasion, 800 light bulbs, each representing… Read more: Arklow Parish Marks Xmas With Tuam Babies Light Spectacle